November 29, 2006

I’d written this before, but decided to rip it up thinking I didn’t need it anymore. Well, today reminded me that I did need it. We had a lunch & learn at my job today (January 26, 2010) on domestic violence. I was aware of the topic ahead of time, but thought “I’ll be fine.” So…come to find out I wasn’t. I found myself holding back tears. Every word and/or section was everything that happened from us dating and throughout the marriage. This happened 3 yrs ago (the last beating) and the flashbacks were so fresh as though they happened yesterday. My heart began to race and I found myself unable to continue looking at the screen. At the end, it was time for questions and comments. I made two comments on resources, safe place, DV (domestic violence) association and DV awareness month/purple ribbon. That was all I could muster without losing it completely in front of my co-workers. During, I was sitting next to a co-worker that I’ve built what is turning into a friendship (Pam), and I said to her how I was feeling. When it got too bad, I poked the crap out of her leg, lol. Good thing she didn’t mind. When we finished, I went into her office, cried for a quick minute, then saw my one o’clock client. I made it through the day without crying again at work but the flashbacks remained. I just wanted to break down and scream. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I keep it in my head thank God. I did however, let it slip to another co-worker about my uneasy feeling during the lunch & learn and why I felt that way.

I had flashbacks the whole way home, fighting the tears throughout the entire ride. I found myself continuing to hold in the tears when I got home. I let a few slip out but immediately gathered myself. I kept saying, “How dare this still affect me after 3 yrs?” I felt defeated…this person still has a hold on me. Will this ever get easier? Will the flashbacks ever stop? In my heart, I hope the flashbacks subside…get easier to deal with…get to the place where they don’t make me have acute panic attacks. How do I explain this? Will I ever be to the place of talking openly with those I know and am very close to without having a complete meltdown? I’ve not shared this with family at all. I don’t know that I ever will unless I begin speaking on a circuit and they come for support. I don’t think it’s something that they’d be able to handle. I can barely handle it…well the flashbacks anyway.
Soooo here goes…

I decided to sleep in that morning and go to my internship a little late. He was texting me saying he missed me and he loved me. I ended up telling him I didn’t miss him and I wasn’t coming back. I got a knock on my door. I went to answer and he said it was him and he needed to get something of the computer for his final. I opened the door and turned to walk to the bedroom to get some pants to put and he tackled me onto the bed. He started yelling things at me. Most things he said to me that day I can’t really remember. He threw me on the bed several times. I fought back for a while. He threw me and I hit my head on the bed rail. He grabbed me by my shirt and threw me on the floor. I hit my head again. He said something but I don’t remember what it was. He went to the kitchen and came back with a knife. I laid there saying to myself, “He is about to kill me,” I couldn’t move and I guess a part of me wouldn’t move out of fear. He put the knife to his throat and was going to kill himself in front of me. Though I couldn’t move I cried. He said, “you think I’m gonna kill you?” I can’t remember if I nodded or not, but he said, “I wouldn’t do that.”

I don’t remember what he did with the knife, but he started back on me. He kept yelling stuff at me. I have no clue what he was saying. The weekend prior, Crystal, Jothanie, I went out because I felt that I was finally free from him. Jothanie brought over a bottle of vodka and he found it in the kitchen. I don’t remember when he found it. He yelled at my “you out drinking while I’m laying in my mama lap crying!” He was tackling me the whole time he was beating me. Some things I don’t exactly remember what order they came. I guess I blacked out several times. I remember him throwing me on the bed and floor a lot. I tasted blood one of these times. I don’t know how it happened, but I had gash in my lip. Blood was all over my shirt. Sadly, he was remorseful. Said he was sorry and went to get something to clean up my lip with. I said “that burns” and he threw me again. He said something but I don’t remember what it was. Think it was something about trying to help me and it wasn’t good enough or something. He was snatching me up my shirt. My body was just limp. One of the times I was lying on the floor, I told him “I hope you kill me.” I said several times. I was tired of fighting back. I just couldn’t take anymore. Eventually it stopped.

I realized I was having trouble walking. Thought maybe my ankle was sprained or something. He decided to put clothes on me and take me to the doctor. I had cuts on my neck and chest. I could barely close my mouth and I was limping. There were a couple guys standing outside and I wanted so badly to scream out “he just beat me!” but I was so terrified I couldn’t say anything. He helped me in the truck and drove me to the doctor. I said “there’s a doctor office down the street.” He questioned why I knew…told him I’d passed it before. He pulled into the parking lot and told me “when you go in there, they’re gonna ask you who did this. Tell them it was me, ok.” I couldn’t even get out because I thought he would keep beating me in the parking lot. I started crying and stayed in the truck. He said “Are you scared?” I’m sure I nodded or gave something that let him know I was scared. My neck was hurting so bad and it was hard to turn my head. He took me to Wal-mart and got me a neck heating pad thing. He took me back to my apartment and was taking care of me as if someone else did this. I was late for work and said I needed to get ready for work. I got in the shower and my body hurt and burned. That’s when I noticed cuts on my chest and neck. I got dressed and he said something about me leaving and grabbed my shirt, I told him “this is why.”

Finally I left the house and told him I would call my supervisor and tell I was late because I was sick. He followed me half way to work. I called my supervisor like I said I would, I told her my husband had beaten me. He called, and I told him that I said I was sick and it was ok. She told me to come on in and we’d take care of it and park in the back. I tried to sneak in where no one would see how messed up I was. My friend Crystal saw me and started to cry, which made me cry. I was in so much pain. I got back to my office where my other co-worker was. She started crying too. My supervisor allowed my friend Crystal to take me to the ER. I was so scared and so hurt. I got there and they called the police. The nurse checked me and I had a huge knot on my ankle, his fingerprints were on me in bruises on my arms and my back. There were cuts all over. My head was hurting so bad from hitting it so many times. I thought I had cuts or knots in it. No cuts, felt like there were a couple though. I stayed with Crystal and her husband for about five days. I was terrified to get a protection order…terrified to leave the house. I only left once to get some clothes. I just didn’t know what to do. He was texting and I asked him to stop. His mother texted me saying we should talk without other people being involved. I told her that he almost killed and I was getting a divorce. She told me “you owe him.” I remember thinking “how in the hell does a woman tell a battered woman that she owes the one who beat her.” Divorce papers were signed…threatened to have him arrested if he didn’t sign…was at the salon and ended up shaving my hair…cried because I thought he wouldn’t sign. Finally went through…celebrated with my big sister (Tamika) and ironically an ex-boyfriend. Time goes by and I noticed that I was checking parking lots and around my apartment building. Eventually decided not going out would remedy the checking. So I didn’t go anywhere unless absolutely necessary. Finally told my therapist and he had me do this exercise (the one I’m doing now) that they do at the VA to help with PTSD. So…I had an acute version. It helped. It got easier to leave. Eventually got a protection order, and changed my phone number.
Now here we are…