On the Geneology of Morals

I started my book today. The way I know I'll be swept, outside of prior knowledge, is in the introduction/preface. Friedrich Nietzsche continues to suck me in to his philosophy.

1. He thinks independently which what I consider myself to do (which generally results in trouble b/c you're not going with the norm).
2. If you weren't an independent thinker, he'd inspire you to become one...not to just go with it

"This book is to the specific sphere of moral values what Nietzsche's philosophy is in general: a systematic overthrowing of idols, a reevalution of all values," or as Nietzsche himself preferred to call it "philosophization with the hammer." One seeks to trace the origin of "good" and "evil" into the physiological distinction between "strong" and "weak" and when one talks of the crucial roles of cruelty in the birth of conscience, or of the meaning of ascetic ideals."

"What is to be learned, the author of the introduction stated, by today's reader is first of all his independence of mind, the luxury of not taking anything for granted, and the courage of being oneself. In a world increasingly dominated by laziness of mind, and academic snobbisms of all kinds. On the Geneology of Morals can teach us the rare art of thinking independently, the wisdom of saying "no" when everybody says "yes" and vice versa."

There is nothing to add to this..just take it in and enjoy.

Endings and Beginnings

For some reason, I was in denial that my relationship, that I invested in completely, is over. I am devastated and don’t exactly know how to deal with the pain I feel. I keep crying and crying and thinking, “If I keep crying, eventually it’ll go away.” It doesn’t go away. The more you suppress the more painful it is when it resurfaces. It will resurface with an unbelievable force that all you can do is deal with it. I am at that place. I denied anything had ever happened, and now, today, at this moment, I am paying the price. I’m trying to accept that my relationship is over. This ended two months ago, and I just realized…it’s over. I would really have appreciated some type of memo, “HEY!! YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!” It ended so horribly which further pushes me into denial. I planned my life with this person. This person was my best friend; person who I shared so many interests with. The person who could say “shut up” before anything ever came out of my mouth because he was thinking the same thing. How could my best friend go to being to this person bringing out things in me that I never knew existed, making me question my self-worth. So you may ask, “Why be completely lost in pain if this person brought out the worse in you?” This is easy. When it wasn’t always that way, you overlook the current because you’re trying to figure out what happened and how to fix it. I’m now at the “oh shit, we broke up.” In actuality we “broke up” a long time ago. Still lived together, life was still pretty normal, continued looking into buying our baby Duke (a silver Labrador retriever). Things seemed ok. Then it happened…I lost my mind. It was almost like I wasn’t there and it was someone else. When it was over, I came back and cried hysterically. Had no idea what happened. It wasn’t a dissociative fugue…no out of body experience. I completely left, and returned at the end when I’d destroyed property and all sense of self. What happened? Where did that rage come from?It’s for the best…in the end.

The man who was my first everything; my first love and the man with whom I shared my “first” with (by shared I mean it was his first time also), contacted me. I was so surprised and at the same time reminded of how devastating it was how/that we ended and even more when he married someone else. What was meant for me, he was sharing with someone else; the three boys he has that he was to have with me and not with someone he’s with because it was what others wanted. Funny how one thing can bring such happiness and in the same breath remind you of the pain you felt. It made me feel so good to hear his name much less hear his voice. The first thing he said was, “I’ve been looking for five years.” I’d given up on ever hearing from him. We talked off and on the first day of communication. I was soooo excited! We caught up everything we’ve been doing during the time that we had no communication. He told me how proud of me he was and how he’d always known I would do great things. I lingered on his every word. The sound of his voice was so comforting. We discussed everything; family, doing what everyone else wanted us to do/be. When he texted that I was the one he should be married to…that he’s always loved me and wants to be in my life again. I still love this man. He is and will always be my first love…the one you’d never hesitate to be with if given the chance. So…here I am again with a reunion, this time with my first everything. Realistically, we know that's not gonna happen...I guess. I am bit nostalgic, lol. You'll always love your first love...right?

Had an epiphany at work today (10 November 2009). I’ve been trying to prove to myself that I can have a functional relationship outside of my failed marriage. I’d been working to show, what happened was not my fault. I’m beginning to let go of the “needing to prove,” and enjoy the joy I have in this moment...in no way does the description describe any action to be taken. Simply thoughts...feelings are however genuine

THIS BITES!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something New

Meeting someone for the first time and not knowing how on earth could I feel this way? What happens when you’re meeting someone who puts a smile on your face with the sound of their voice? What do you do when someone finds you and loves you wholeheartedly from day one? What do you do when that person says, “I love everything about you,” and actually mean it. What do you do when that person genuinely wants to learn everything about you? That person reads and responds with some emotion from something important to you…your writing. Most people say these things just because they think it’s what you want to hear. They are partly true; you want to hear it, but more importantly want them to mean it. This has been a treat for me however unexpected it was.

You may ask… how do you feel this instantaneously? Should we really attempt to rationalize feelings? Why do we question every feeling we have instead of just feeling it? I mean, that’s what they’re there for…to feel.

For me, this is not so much of a surprise. I’m a Cancer and everything is emotional, lol. We are very intuitive and nurturing which allows us to feel more than everyone else (except for those babies on the cusps of Gemini/Cancer & Cancer/Leo, they’re all confused, lol). I thoroughly enjoy feeling and I’ve enjoyed this new feeling very much. I take my feelings seriously… both good and bad. Feeling the bad provides an opportunity to learn and grow; acquiring the ability to pass on the lessons you learned from that exact feeling. The good is always better. I mean, really, who cares about growing. We just want to feel good, lol.

Faces

“We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves.”

I heard this at the end of a show I like very much. Mostly because it’s a crime show from a psychological standpoint…Criminal Minds. I didn’t catch the author of this wonderful quote, due to the suddenness of the statement. You don’t watch something with pen and pad in hand so that you may write down everything…well I don’t, lol. Plus, it was foreign and I’m not sure I would’ve spelled it correctly and that would kill me more than not ever knowing in the first place. Ok…enough of the explaining!

The reason I wrote this one down is because it hit home with me. I, as we all have, put on many masks. We have one for work and/or school, time with friends, time with family, and any other situation. The point is to take those off and get back to who we really are. This may sound as though you’re being fake, but the truth is, how you are at the concert featuring the best local bands, is not how you should be at work, lol. To me the place we get lost, is not knowing the difference between the masks…losing who you truly are.

Part II of this, at what point do we become unrecognizable to ourselves? We go from face to face never realizing how we affect the true person. Some may ask… how does the true person ever surface when we are constantly change faces? For me, this is a constant battle. I’m trying to show the true person and maintain masks when necessary. We live double, triple lives and we don’t even recognize it. We eventually get tired of this. Eventually we break the masks all together. At times this can be detrimental to certain situations where masks are needed. At times, if done properly, we can show our true selves and keep situations, where the masks are necessary, in tact.

Some want to rebel…RAGE AGAISNT THE MACHINE, but that is not the best way to do things, lol. It’s a gradual, subtle change. Somewhat like a sneak attack…covert ops. It’s a change that should not, in all situations, be OUT LOUD. At work…subtle…friends could be “I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!”, lol.