Fear II

For some reason, this has been something that needs continuing. I am continuing to evolve. More so, I am elated to be sharing this with you all.

I've been struggling with something for quite some time now. Fear of being who I truly am out of total fear of not being accepted. YES...ME the noncomformist has a fear of acceptance. Who would've thought! Like I said previously, I'm continuing to evolve. Slowly I've begun to let out the parts of me that I've held in for long. Parts of me that I've only shown a few.

Some of you will be completely shocked and some fo you...well the few, wont' be. The sad thing is, no matter how nonjudgemental I am, it doesn't stop others who are severly narrowminded from being judgemental. In spite, I'm working on expressing myself regardless. I love who I am and if no one else does...well, um...they can #*%$ OFF!!!!!!

Thank you,
Management

Emancipation

June 2006 I got married. My husband was abusive mentally and physically. By the grace of God I had the courage and strength to leave him. Unfortunately I left with mental and physical scars. I recently got more body art. It represents my life then and now. It is a reminder of how courageous I am and how present God is in my life. My art is posted in three parts. For a while I used this quote by Corita Kent that stated "Flowers grow out of darker moments." It helped me get through the rough times when I first left my husband. Then I decided to do some color research and look for flowers that grew in the dark/shade. I came upon the lotus. Beautiful flower, grows in the mud. I am now the flower that grew out of a dark moment. I grew closer to God which has made me a much better person. The colors in my art represent domestic violence awareness (purple), courage (red), emotional growth and protection (green), and tranquility (blue). My art was done by an artist named Chris at Twisted Needle Tatoo in Hsv. He kicks ass!!!! This tatoo shows where I was, the pain I endured in my marriage, and the place I am now, and where I am going. This is so meaningful to me. This is something I used to keep to myself. I feel this is as good a time as any to open up about an issue that is often swept under the rug. This is no longer taboo. Please respond let me know what you think about my body art. It means a lot to me. My divorce was final March 7, 2007. Never settle for less than what you deserve. I know I never will again.

Fear

I have been completely consumed by fear. Fear of many things actually. I am unsure of how I arrived at this place of fear, or how it has managed to run my life. I've not been writing as much...been in a bit of a transition lately. Not only physical (moving) but also emotional and spiritual.

I don't know where else to go or what to do. Do I leap off of my stepping stone and fly into my own? Or...do I remain on the stepping stone when it's actually starting to feel like quicksand. I found something that was lost and now, due to fear, I am running away from it with Mercury's winged feet. I'm fearful of actually getting what I want. Being fulfilled in every way imaginable. I am silently suffering with decisions that have to be made. Ok...so it's really my need to control and not the need to actually make a decision.

I'm working hard to go with the flow and not be overly analytical. I'm working hard to not be fearful. To face the thing I fear the most, until I no longer fear it. To actually take a risk and trust in my intuition. Which is the most difficult thing I've done.

Philosophical Inspiration

Here lately in my search for inspiring thoughts to send my friends to start their day, I've found my own inspiration. I've found a love that is indescribable. I hunger for more! I read often...I'm fully aware of several authors, especially when it comes to philosophy.

I've heard of Kierkegaard, but hadn't read much of anything. Just knew who he was. Tonight I decided to do a little research. Lucky for me, I've added two books to my book wishlist and several quotes to my "favorite quotes" collection, lol.

Though there are several that stood out to me, this one was profound. It tells my who reason for writing. It reads; "People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use."

Unbelivably amazing!!! We fight so hard for this freedom, yet all of our fighting is most often for speaking someone else's thoughts or thoughts that are based in some societal norm. Nothing that we decided upon freely...using our freedom of thought. It's more like freedom to paraphrase what we were taught. I try my best to encourage my friends and anyone who reads my rantings to think freely...don't base your truth on what I write, or anyone else for that matter. Though we may often agree with what is written or told to us using the wonderful freedom of speech, what we should really be fighting for is the freedom of thought...freedom to find our on interpretations and stand up for those thoughts/interpretations. I agree with Kierkegaard, but my interpretation is different from yours...and anyone else's. I talk with a collegue/friend at work about thinking independently and not believing what we're told...not making it our truth.

Search for your own truth...follow inspiration wherever it may lead you. I know that I definitely have!

My Obsessions

"There are no facts, only interpretations." - Nietzsche

I have a serious obsession with thought provoking quotes. This one has to be the one that has made me think the most. The one that completely satisfies my hunger to grow.

Every "fact" is open to interpretation. My view, or "interpretation" of something may be completely different from someone else's view. Recently I sent a thought for the day to some friends and one texted back a completely different "interpretation" than mine. It read "Genorosity with strings is not genorosity. It's a deal." I agreed with this wholeheartedly. He interpreted everything being a deal...no true genorosity. Though I understood his view, I disagreed. I understood that at times with genorosity, we expect a genorous act to follow...hence the strings. He stated to me that everything comes with strings...so as I stated, I understood his interpretation.

I thought I would share this with you all. It's interesting how a few words can change your life. Change how you view every aspect of your life. Everything anyone ever told you was a fact.

Lost and Found

Recently, I found what I thought was lost. I never stopped looking for it and searched one last time a couple weeks ago. Then on Monday...there it was. I'd been searching for four years...it actually just kinda, well...came home. I'm elated to have found what I lost, or thought I lost. My heart is full and couldn't ask for anything more than to it back home with me. I loved it before I lost it and now love and appreciate it even more now that it's back home. It's my favorite ;o)

It's interesting how we never fully appreciate things until we don't have them anymore. Though it is a cliche'...it's the truth. Not to say you don't appreciate what you have, but it's different once you've lost that thing and it returns to you after such a long time. I'm at loss...can't explain everything that I'm feeling right now. I've lost things before and they've never been found. But this, this is different. Now I'm questioning decisions I've made and reflecting back on things I've discovered. "It's never to lat -in fictionor in life-to make a revision." I'm trying to decide if the time to revise is now or later. I guess I should listen to what I share with others, and enjoy this moment and take whatever lesson or gift that it has to offer.

So...here's to living in the moment, because this moment is the only one that matters. A friend said this very eloquently :o) <buddy>----link

In the Beginning...

My story begins on Monday, July 19, 1982 at 4:10 pm. I was the first born to Leathia Marshall and the last born to Ernest Morris. I was named Alythia Markesha-Nicole Marshall. My dad wanted my name to be similar to my mom's (little did he know it's Greek for truth, lol.) My grandma (mom's mom) insisted I have Nicole in my name or my mom couldn't come home from the hospital. So after arguing with my mom, shooting at my dad...I got my name and my grandma got her way, lol. From my mother's side of the family, I was the first grandchild. Naturally, I was spoiled rotten and my family set high standards for me. Little did they know, I'd eventually begin to set my own unrealistic standards.

My mom reminds me on a regular basis of how my, as JB calls them "quarks", have been with me as early as 8 mos. old. I didn't like my food to touch :o) I was a happy baby...someone was always holding me, lol. I rarely cried b/c at least two ppl were running to the rescue. I was kind of slow on the walking thing. Why be in a hurry to let everyone know I didn't need them to carry me around anymore? I was gonna ride that out until I was caught sneaking into something, lol. As my mom and Uncle James tells it, it was the 4th of July 1983 and my uncle was eating some ribs. Of course I wanted one (for those who know me, know I like to eat, lol) so he tells me to come and get it. So I take out running towards the food. My first steps weren't cute & wobbly...I ran without hesitation. This is how my family explains my love for track and field and how I was meant to do it (that comes later in the story). I like to think it describes me in general. If I want it, I run for it full speed.

I'll end here at age 3. I began school.