Beautiful Surprise

For some reason this person continues to be an inspiration…a muse I’d say. I was listening to Voyage to India while relaxing in a hot bath (though that part wasn’t necessary, just thought I’d possibly inspire/encourage someone to take one, lol) and thought about someone when I heard this song…Beautiful Surprise: “Yesterday I didn’t even know your name. Now today, you’re always on my mind…” He’s always on my mind and I hate it with a passion. I look forward to his calls and messages from him. Each time I get one, I open it hoping it’s from him. How pathetic is that?!

This person inspires me and I have no clue why. I’m drawn to this person…very strongly drawn. When I try to pull away I can’t. There’s this unexplainable magnetism that keeps pulling me back…kind of like a bungee cord, lol. I met this person, ironically through his best friend…who I was “dating” (later I found out we were in fact not dating). Initially my contact with this person was simply, “you guys have to get along…this is my best friend.” It came to be, the best friend ended up becoming a “boy” to me…knowing me better than I expected in such a brief period (this can be further learned about in “One of the Boys”).This person knows me intimately. This person is the one I try so hard to ignore…to deny the obvious connection. I’ve failed currently, but I’m willing to keep trying. I like denial. It’s a warm and fuzzy place.

The thing most ab0ut this person that pisses me off is that we possess the same gift. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell? It is in different forms, but the same gift nonetheless. Guess what else? This damn person writes poetry!! I feel so strongly the connection, for lack of a better word, that it scares the hell out of me. I want this to go away immediately. I know it won’t…I never expected this to happen. It came from out of nowhere…a SURPRISE. I have deep feelings for this BEAUTIFUL person. Feelings that I’d REALLY like to go away immediately. I spoke with someone about this person. I told her that I didn’t want to be the girl who comes between best friends…don’t want to sleep with best friends. She said to me “don’t overlook him because of that. Do you think guys care when they sleep with friends?” I emphasized there is no way I’d be anything but friends with this person. Regardless to the feelings I may or may not have, I will continue to overlook this person. We had a back and forth about this situation. She kept asking if I liked him. I told her a couple things about him that resounded with me. She then asked me if I was gonna stay in denial and emphatically said yes! The truth is, I care for this person and want to share all of me with him. I want to experience everything with this person. What we share is so beautiful and so unplanned. Nothing’s better than that. A Surprisingly Beautiful connection with someone who understands you and accepts you though you are unbelievably disturbed lol.
Before, I forced myself to deny a connection I had with someone by covering it up with false feelings for someone that I knew were temporary and pretty forced in my attempt to let go of fear that I held in my heart. Sadly the anger I felt was somewhat intensified by this person. In reality, after a few conversations with MY BOY, I’d actually given to him something I don’t give. I was able to let go of the fear I held in my heart and actually trust. Sadly, lol, I developed a fear…not a bad one I’d say, of letting this person know the truth. Letting him know that he has my heart and I’m not afraid of him destroying it. I can’t say this and I have to overlook this person and date other people and further deny the feelings I have for this person. Things that I’ve said I wanted or felt I wanted in a life mate, I’m starting to see some of those things in that person. Of course, I’m denying that shit too, lol!!

This person and I went out recently (2/8/10) and due to not really eating before I drank, all I remember is getting a paper that had an article about his job with a picture of him. That’s it. I asked the next day what happened and did I do something stupid. He said always and I haven’t heard anything else. When I woke up the day after my jewelry box was knocked over and I’d slept in my clothes. I’m so embarrassed that I don’t know what the hell happened and he’s not talking to me. I’m scared I threw up or told him I love him, called him someone’s name or something even more stupid. I remember us talking about him trying “this celibacy thing” while we were at the bar. Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!! I told my best friend and he told me to stop drinking and I said ok. He jokingly said “before you end up on Girls Gone Wild.” I don’t want him to think negatively of me or be turned off b/c I’m the drunken chick that guys don’t like. I’m also worried that he won’t/doesn’t respect me anymore. This is driving me crazy and I’m trying so hard to stop texting and calling him but I can’t. I have to delete his number. That helped before. Soooo now what? SHIT!!!!!!!!

Soooo I came to find out here recently (around 2/10/10 or so) that deleting the number no longer works. For some stupid reason my subconscious has memorized it!!! What the deuce (in my best Stewie Griffin)!!? I want this to go away immediately…for this person to go away. Why did this happen at this time? I’m not up for dealing with it right now…maybe not anytime. I don’t know; just want him and the feelings to vanish.

Honestly, I feel for this person. I want to know this person better…share with him…be the one he comes to for encouragement & support…I want to love him in every way…I want us to grow together. I want him to be there for me…know me better…love & care for me…support me…protect me. I want him to hold me in his arms, kiss me gently and tell me how much he adores me. I want us to appreciate each other and accept each other for who we are.
Ok…back to denial, lol!