Lately I've been going through some very difficult changes personally. I've lashed out on those whom I care for very deeply. I've often made irrational decisions soley based on fear, anger, and sadness. I'm working to change these things. I'm still growing. I'm working to be the best Me I can be. Thank you to those, who no matter what I do or say, stick by my side and help me through the rough times. I'm learning to have patience with myself and thanking those of you who are teaching me to do so. Those who listen to me cry and then laugh about it with me later b/c it was most likely something I catastrophized. Thank you for not walking out on me b/c that's not wasn't what I needed. Thanks for giving me space and allowing me to think through my decisions rationally. Thanks for telling me, "That's stupid."
I'm always giving of myself to others and it is a beautiful thing when others give back. So, just in case you missed it...Thank you
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
What do you do?
I have to write when it hits me otherwise I forget and whatever I say is some watered down version of what I REALLY wanted to write.
Some things are never meant to be understood. We have to accept them, and keep it moving. It took me a very long time to accept that I will never understand why my ex-husband beat me (yes, I was married and beaten the entire time & there is no way to make anyone else understand what happened & how I dealt with it). I’m still trying to accept the fact that I won’t understand some things as we speak. Currently I’m having a tough time of it. I have this insatiable thirst to understand…just letting it go w/o understanding is by far the most difficult thing for me to do.
I know I am not perfect. There are some things I can improve upon and I’m working to do so. For those who are in relationships, it’s not the best idea to constantly point out your mates’ flaws. At some point they will get tired of it. They will withdraw from you, seek affection & support from elsewhere, or leave all together. Putting your mate in the same category as friends will also cause the same effect. Why even be in a relationship if that person is the same as a friend? Just sleep with one of them! Don’t go through the motions in a relationship. Why should the person you’re with feel like nothing more than a friend with benefits? Make that person feel special. Show them how much you love all of who they are, flaws included. It would not feel so great if the shoe was on the other foot and you were made to feel that nothing you did was ever good enough.
So…do I accept the fact that I’m in the same box as a friend and adjust my behavior accordingly? How can I ever believe feelings are true…that you really want more than what we have when I’m continually criticized and put in a box with friends and everybody else? Those who know me, know that I have my own unrealistic standards that I hold myself to, I really don’t need anyone else to set unrealistic standards that are higher than my own!!! I’ll go insane trying to live up to that!!!!!! Instead of criticizing others, we should look at ourselves. We may then realize that the person we should’ve been criticizing was us all along. I have already become withdrawn. Why do we always try to save something that maybe isn’t meant to be saved in the first place? That’s a huge problem for me…the Super Hero Complex, lol. Maybe things have to die. Why does it have to come that? Is that the only way to have an epiphany, once we’ve already fucked it up? This is something I don’t understand. Someone has one foot out the door before the other person has any realization of what’s going on. What do you do?
Keep fighting? Walk away? What does it say when at times, we’re so ready to walk away from things? Does that make you a quitter? You’ve tried and tried, had talk after talk and still no change. What do you do then? How much do you take and for how long? When do you leave?
I just want to feel loved…like I’m actually important in your life, because you are in mine. Why are the simple things so difficult? What’s hard about showing affection w/o being asked? Do you despise the person you’re with? Are they disgusting to you? Why is talking to that person so difficult?
Today I feel like, this shouldn’t be so hard. Talking to the person you think you want to spend your life with should not be hard. Making love to them and showing affection should not have to go through the House & Senate before it happens. It just shouldn’t be this hard. Please people stop telling the person you’re in a relationship with that you want more when you can’t even communicate or express any emotion until that person has had enough. Then it’s the same story. I’m sorry, I’ll do better about that, I was mad at you still about something you did 8months ago. Why do we do this and what do we do about it when it happens to us?
I really need someone to help me understand this. I am honestly coming to you all for clarity. I CAN’T TAKE THE UPS & DOWNS! I can’t cry anymore.
Some things are never meant to be understood. We have to accept them, and keep it moving. It took me a very long time to accept that I will never understand why my ex-husband beat me (yes, I was married and beaten the entire time & there is no way to make anyone else understand what happened & how I dealt with it). I’m still trying to accept the fact that I won’t understand some things as we speak. Currently I’m having a tough time of it. I have this insatiable thirst to understand…just letting it go w/o understanding is by far the most difficult thing for me to do.
I know I am not perfect. There are some things I can improve upon and I’m working to do so. For those who are in relationships, it’s not the best idea to constantly point out your mates’ flaws. At some point they will get tired of it. They will withdraw from you, seek affection & support from elsewhere, or leave all together. Putting your mate in the same category as friends will also cause the same effect. Why even be in a relationship if that person is the same as a friend? Just sleep with one of them! Don’t go through the motions in a relationship. Why should the person you’re with feel like nothing more than a friend with benefits? Make that person feel special. Show them how much you love all of who they are, flaws included. It would not feel so great if the shoe was on the other foot and you were made to feel that nothing you did was ever good enough.
So…do I accept the fact that I’m in the same box as a friend and adjust my behavior accordingly? How can I ever believe feelings are true…that you really want more than what we have when I’m continually criticized and put in a box with friends and everybody else? Those who know me, know that I have my own unrealistic standards that I hold myself to, I really don’t need anyone else to set unrealistic standards that are higher than my own!!! I’ll go insane trying to live up to that!!!!!! Instead of criticizing others, we should look at ourselves. We may then realize that the person we should’ve been criticizing was us all along. I have already become withdrawn. Why do we always try to save something that maybe isn’t meant to be saved in the first place? That’s a huge problem for me…the Super Hero Complex, lol. Maybe things have to die. Why does it have to come that? Is that the only way to have an epiphany, once we’ve already fucked it up? This is something I don’t understand. Someone has one foot out the door before the other person has any realization of what’s going on. What do you do?
Keep fighting? Walk away? What does it say when at times, we’re so ready to walk away from things? Does that make you a quitter? You’ve tried and tried, had talk after talk and still no change. What do you do then? How much do you take and for how long? When do you leave?
I just want to feel loved…like I’m actually important in your life, because you are in mine. Why are the simple things so difficult? What’s hard about showing affection w/o being asked? Do you despise the person you’re with? Are they disgusting to you? Why is talking to that person so difficult?
Today I feel like, this shouldn’t be so hard. Talking to the person you think you want to spend your life with should not be hard. Making love to them and showing affection should not have to go through the House & Senate before it happens. It just shouldn’t be this hard. Please people stop telling the person you’re in a relationship with that you want more when you can’t even communicate or express any emotion until that person has had enough. Then it’s the same story. I’m sorry, I’ll do better about that, I was mad at you still about something you did 8months ago. Why do we do this and what do we do about it when it happens to us?
I really need someone to help me understand this. I am honestly coming to you all for clarity. I CAN’T TAKE THE UPS & DOWNS! I can’t cry anymore.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Are you an American, an African-American, or ???
This was written by my friend Cory Fountain some years ago...
I realize that July fourth has already past this year and if you're like most ppl that I know you probably had and or went to a big bbq and set off your fireworks and basically said "yeah America" while celebrating it's independence from Great Britain. If that's what you wanted to do, that's fine, who I am to tell you that you should not have been celebrating the independence of this country, or in other words, not celebrating when the 13 colonies received their freedom the British. But le t me ask you this question; How many of our ancestors during that time were actually free? If one was to do some research and look back on that section of time in history they would find that not very many ppl of African descent were free in this country or the world as a matter of fact, during that time. If one wants to get technical, as a whole, most ppl of African descent to this day still aren't independent. The word independent, as defined by Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is: (1)self-governing; not affiliated with the larger controlling unit (2) not requiring or relying on something or someone else (3) not easily influenced; showing self-reliance and personal freedom. Now I ask whoever may be reading this, do those definitions really describe ppl of African descent? Ppl of African descent is certainly not self-governing, and we most certainly rely on someone else besides our won brothers and sisters for mostly everything that we have or do. And I won't even touch the part about being easily influenced or showing personal freedom b/c that would take me further off the point that I'm trying to make than I already am. But to move back to the point in which I was trying to formulate; Independence Day didn't us. When this country's former leaders were speaking "liberty and justice for all," they must have either been running short of breath or low on ink; for what they meant was liberty and justice for all white men with land. Our ancestors were promised freedom from both the British and the colonists if they would help fight in the American Revolution but, "…the majority of Black ppl in the United States were far worse off that the close of the Revolutionary War then they were before it began, especially with the coming of the Cotton Gin in 1793 and the evolution of king cotton and it's superior role in the industrialization of the 18th century." Afrikan People & European Holidays (Book 2). The American Revolution, in my opinion, is White history not mine or shall I say ours. If the Revolutionary War was a movie we would be some extras off somewhere in the background.....
Think of this phenomenon, most people say and or believe that the American Revolution began when Crispus Attitucks, a black man, was killed. Now think of this; when watching a movie, who is the first one to die? Correct, Black person (sorry, just had to throw a little joke in there while I had your attn). But be that as it may, Black ppl in America are not now nor have we ever been Americans or African-Americans in my opinion. Malcolm X put it best when he stated in one of his speeches, (forgive me for not having the exact quote) "If a kitten is born in an oven you don't call it a biscuit. If a French Poodle is born on the moon would it not still be considered a French Poodle?" Then if our African ancestors were snatched away from their homeland and carried here to the U.S. and upon being here conceived children; then what does that make them, or shall I say us? There is no doubt in my mind that we are American fruits but yet we have with African roots. So now I ask again; what does that make us? You may have your own conclusions but in my opinion; that makes us Africans living in America. In another one of Malcolm X's speeches he touches on this topic in question when he stated, "…deep within the subconscious of the Black man in America, he is still more African than American. He thinks he's more American b/c 'the man' is jiving him, and 'the man' is brainwashing him everyday, telling him: you're an American, you're an American, you're American. Man how could you think you're an American and you haven't ever had any American treat over here. You have never, ever! Ten men can be sitting at a table eating, you know, dining; and I come and sit down where they are dining. They are dining. I got a plate in front of me but nothing is on it. Because all of us are sitting at the same table, are all of us diners? I'm not a diner until you let me dine! Then I become a diner. Just being at the same table with others who are dining doesn't make me a diner. And that is what you've got to get in your head hear in this country. Just because you're in this country doesn't make you an American." Honestly I could care less about the independence of the U.S. what I care about is trying to acquire independence of us.
let me know what you think.....
I realize that July fourth has already past this year and if you're like most ppl that I know you probably had and or went to a big bbq and set off your fireworks and basically said "yeah America" while celebrating it's independence from Great Britain. If that's what you wanted to do, that's fine, who I am to tell you that you should not have been celebrating the independence of this country, or in other words, not celebrating when the 13 colonies received their freedom the British. But le t me ask you this question; How many of our ancestors during that time were actually free? If one was to do some research and look back on that section of time in history they would find that not very many ppl of African descent were free in this country or the world as a matter of fact, during that time. If one wants to get technical, as a whole, most ppl of African descent to this day still aren't independent. The word independent, as defined by Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is: (1)self-governing; not affiliated with the larger controlling unit (2) not requiring or relying on something or someone else (3) not easily influenced; showing self-reliance and personal freedom. Now I ask whoever may be reading this, do those definitions really describe ppl of African descent? Ppl of African descent is certainly not self-governing, and we most certainly rely on someone else besides our won brothers and sisters for mostly everything that we have or do. And I won't even touch the part about being easily influenced or showing personal freedom b/c that would take me further off the point that I'm trying to make than I already am. But to move back to the point in which I was trying to formulate; Independence Day didn't us. When this country's former leaders were speaking "liberty and justice for all," they must have either been running short of breath or low on ink; for what they meant was liberty and justice for all white men with land. Our ancestors were promised freedom from both the British and the colonists if they would help fight in the American Revolution but, "…the majority of Black ppl in the United States were far worse off that the close of the Revolutionary War then they were before it began, especially with the coming of the Cotton Gin in 1793 and the evolution of king cotton and it's superior role in the industrialization of the 18th century." Afrikan People & European Holidays (Book 2). The American Revolution, in my opinion, is White history not mine or shall I say ours. If the Revolutionary War was a movie we would be some extras off somewhere in the background.....
Think of this phenomenon, most people say and or believe that the American Revolution began when Crispus Attitucks, a black man, was killed. Now think of this; when watching a movie, who is the first one to die? Correct, Black person (sorry, just had to throw a little joke in there while I had your attn). But be that as it may, Black ppl in America are not now nor have we ever been Americans or African-Americans in my opinion. Malcolm X put it best when he stated in one of his speeches, (forgive me for not having the exact quote) "If a kitten is born in an oven you don't call it a biscuit. If a French Poodle is born on the moon would it not still be considered a French Poodle?" Then if our African ancestors were snatched away from their homeland and carried here to the U.S. and upon being here conceived children; then what does that make them, or shall I say us? There is no doubt in my mind that we are American fruits but yet we have with African roots. So now I ask again; what does that make us? You may have your own conclusions but in my opinion; that makes us Africans living in America. In another one of Malcolm X's speeches he touches on this topic in question when he stated, "…deep within the subconscious of the Black man in America, he is still more African than American. He thinks he's more American b/c 'the man' is jiving him, and 'the man' is brainwashing him everyday, telling him: you're an American, you're an American, you're American. Man how could you think you're an American and you haven't ever had any American treat over here. You have never, ever! Ten men can be sitting at a table eating, you know, dining; and I come and sit down where they are dining. They are dining. I got a plate in front of me but nothing is on it. Because all of us are sitting at the same table, are all of us diners? I'm not a diner until you let me dine! Then I become a diner. Just being at the same table with others who are dining doesn't make me a diner. And that is what you've got to get in your head hear in this country. Just because you're in this country doesn't make you an American." Honestly I could care less about the independence of the U.S. what I care about is trying to acquire independence of us.
let me know what you think.....
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The Enlightenment Sutra
This is the first of things to remember:
Throughout all the world there is nothing that's permanent.
Even the Earth has a nature of transience.
Bodies are centers of sorrow and emptiness.
All of my parts are devoid of self,
Are dependent on causes and therefore, impermanent,
Changing, decaying and out of control.
Expectations of permanence cause disappointment,
Forming attachments that lead to wrongdoing.
Observing the world in this light, may I daily
progress toward freedom from birth and death.
My behavior recently has been that of possession and permanence. Which has lead me to obsessing over something that has proven to be impermanent. Often I turn to views of simplicity to straighten out what, at the moment, appears to be complicated. The only constant thing is change (India Arie...Acoustic Soul, I'm sure it's been said by others but this was my musical reference!). This is always true. Feelings change...either they grow stronger or lessen, but always changing. People change. It doesn't take a major life event to change...I am not the same person I was a month ago, much less years ago. What I, and maybe others, have to accept is that when I try to make something permanent that is not, it seems to result in disappointment. The goal is to let go of the need to make things permanent. I have been disappointed due to my perception of certain situations, my vision of what I want, obsession and trying to make something permanent when it clearly is not. Why do we do this? Is it a need to control what will happen? Is it to prevent complications? When trying to prevent or control something, don't we always end up losing "control" and feeling disappointed?
this is only the first of the sutra, maybe the others will come later
Throughout all the world there is nothing that's permanent.
Even the Earth has a nature of transience.
Bodies are centers of sorrow and emptiness.
All of my parts are devoid of self,
Are dependent on causes and therefore, impermanent,
Changing, decaying and out of control.
Expectations of permanence cause disappointment,
Forming attachments that lead to wrongdoing.
Observing the world in this light, may I daily
progress toward freedom from birth and death.
My behavior recently has been that of possession and permanence. Which has lead me to obsessing over something that has proven to be impermanent. Often I turn to views of simplicity to straighten out what, at the moment, appears to be complicated. The only constant thing is change (India Arie...Acoustic Soul, I'm sure it's been said by others but this was my musical reference!). This is always true. Feelings change...either they grow stronger or lessen, but always changing. People change. It doesn't take a major life event to change...I am not the same person I was a month ago, much less years ago. What I, and maybe others, have to accept is that when I try to make something permanent that is not, it seems to result in disappointment. The goal is to let go of the need to make things permanent. I have been disappointed due to my perception of certain situations, my vision of what I want, obsession and trying to make something permanent when it clearly is not. Why do we do this? Is it a need to control what will happen? Is it to prevent complications? When trying to prevent or control something, don't we always end up losing "control" and feeling disappointed?
this is only the first of the sutra, maybe the others will come later
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