Revision

I’m almost certain I’ve written on this before, but repetition is good for the soul, lol.
This quote is something I think about when I feel I’ve made a mistake. “It’s never too late-in fiction or in life-to revise.”

Lately I’ve been making all kinds of decisions that may or may not have been the best decisions. I have a difficulty holding back, which almost always gets me into trouble or hurt. Don’t feel that holding back makes things that much more wonderful. To me, it means you’ve missed something because you’re holding back. I want to experience everything including the pain. Gotta learn from something I guess, lol.

This quote reminds me that you don’t have to just stay. It’s never too late to change things no matter how far along something is. Revise. We do this daily without thinking. When you get up in the morning you revise what you’re wearing…we revise our career path…RELATIONSHIPS!!
I’ve had to contemplate a revision…well a couple actually. It’s one paragraph with a crap load of red marks, lmao. Side note: always good to laugh at yourself. We revise in love & friendship especially. Sometimes things fall apart and there’s no need to force anything to be as it was or how you wished it could’ve been. Things really do happen for a reason. Some things are shown to us at the exact moment we need to see them. That’s a hard pill to swallow. I’m actually choking on that damn thing. Anywho, I did something recently and it is affecting me in a way I didn’t expect. I decided one; to terminate a toxic friendship…revised…a so-called friendship. Two, I tried to see or force something that wasn’t really there. In turn, I revised and was shown something very beautiful.

Beautiful Surprise

For some reason this person continues to be an inspiration…a muse I’d say. I was listening to Voyage to India while relaxing in a hot bath (though that part wasn’t necessary, just thought I’d possibly inspire/encourage someone to take one, lol) and thought about someone when I heard this song…Beautiful Surprise: “Yesterday I didn’t even know your name. Now today, you’re always on my mind…” He’s always on my mind and I hate it with a passion. I look forward to his calls and messages from him. Each time I get one, I open it hoping it’s from him. How pathetic is that?!

This person inspires me and I have no clue why. I’m drawn to this person…very strongly drawn. When I try to pull away I can’t. There’s this unexplainable magnetism that keeps pulling me back…kind of like a bungee cord, lol. I met this person, ironically through his best friend…who I was “dating” (later I found out we were in fact not dating). Initially my contact with this person was simply, “you guys have to get along…this is my best friend.” It came to be, the best friend ended up becoming a “boy” to me…knowing me better than I expected in such a brief period (this can be further learned about in “One of the Boys”).This person knows me intimately. This person is the one I try so hard to ignore…to deny the obvious connection. I’ve failed currently, but I’m willing to keep trying. I like denial. It’s a warm and fuzzy place.

The thing most ab0ut this person that pisses me off is that we possess the same gift. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell? It is in different forms, but the same gift nonetheless. Guess what else? This damn person writes poetry!! I feel so strongly the connection, for lack of a better word, that it scares the hell out of me. I want this to go away immediately. I know it won’t…I never expected this to happen. It came from out of nowhere…a SURPRISE. I have deep feelings for this BEAUTIFUL person. Feelings that I’d REALLY like to go away immediately. I spoke with someone about this person. I told her that I didn’t want to be the girl who comes between best friends…don’t want to sleep with best friends. She said to me “don’t overlook him because of that. Do you think guys care when they sleep with friends?” I emphasized there is no way I’d be anything but friends with this person. Regardless to the feelings I may or may not have, I will continue to overlook this person. We had a back and forth about this situation. She kept asking if I liked him. I told her a couple things about him that resounded with me. She then asked me if I was gonna stay in denial and emphatically said yes! The truth is, I care for this person and want to share all of me with him. I want to experience everything with this person. What we share is so beautiful and so unplanned. Nothing’s better than that. A Surprisingly Beautiful connection with someone who understands you and accepts you though you are unbelievably disturbed lol.
Before, I forced myself to deny a connection I had with someone by covering it up with false feelings for someone that I knew were temporary and pretty forced in my attempt to let go of fear that I held in my heart. Sadly the anger I felt was somewhat intensified by this person. In reality, after a few conversations with MY BOY, I’d actually given to him something I don’t give. I was able to let go of the fear I held in my heart and actually trust. Sadly, lol, I developed a fear…not a bad one I’d say, of letting this person know the truth. Letting him know that he has my heart and I’m not afraid of him destroying it. I can’t say this and I have to overlook this person and date other people and further deny the feelings I have for this person. Things that I’ve said I wanted or felt I wanted in a life mate, I’m starting to see some of those things in that person. Of course, I’m denying that shit too, lol!!

This person and I went out recently (2/8/10) and due to not really eating before I drank, all I remember is getting a paper that had an article about his job with a picture of him. That’s it. I asked the next day what happened and did I do something stupid. He said always and I haven’t heard anything else. When I woke up the day after my jewelry box was knocked over and I’d slept in my clothes. I’m so embarrassed that I don’t know what the hell happened and he’s not talking to me. I’m scared I threw up or told him I love him, called him someone’s name or something even more stupid. I remember us talking about him trying “this celibacy thing” while we were at the bar. Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!! I told my best friend and he told me to stop drinking and I said ok. He jokingly said “before you end up on Girls Gone Wild.” I don’t want him to think negatively of me or be turned off b/c I’m the drunken chick that guys don’t like. I’m also worried that he won’t/doesn’t respect me anymore. This is driving me crazy and I’m trying so hard to stop texting and calling him but I can’t. I have to delete his number. That helped before. Soooo now what? SHIT!!!!!!!!

Soooo I came to find out here recently (around 2/10/10 or so) that deleting the number no longer works. For some stupid reason my subconscious has memorized it!!! What the deuce (in my best Stewie Griffin)!!? I want this to go away immediately…for this person to go away. Why did this happen at this time? I’m not up for dealing with it right now…maybe not anytime. I don’t know; just want him and the feelings to vanish.

Honestly, I feel for this person. I want to know this person better…share with him…be the one he comes to for encouragement & support…I want to love him in every way…I want us to grow together. I want him to be there for me…know me better…love & care for me…support me…protect me. I want him to hold me in his arms, kiss me gently and tell me how much he adores me. I want us to appreciate each other and accept each other for who we are.
Ok…back to denial, lol!

One of the Boys

Sometimes we meet someone and we’re immediately inspired or it sneaks up on us. Today that happened to me; it snuck up on me. Though the meeting wasn’t immediate; he’s the best friend of a person that I am head over heels for. Today we had a moment where we got to know each other a little better. (Sadly, he knows me better than his bff does and he’s the one I’m all bent out of shape about). That person shared something with me and I was inspired. Felt that there was someone I’ve only known sh0rtly, got me! I’m excited about that. I feel that this person and I can be very good friends. My closest friends get me…this person, in two weeks, has become one of those friends. I’m always happy to have someone in my life that I connect with spiritually; no matter there role in my life. I enjoy having people who inspire me, who connect with me, who accept me as I am…well I think they do. Only close friends do this.

The person I want to be with is too busy to get to know me…too busy to understand that giving my heart isn’t something I just give away freely; something that I don’t do because of fear. I decided to not let fear control me; not keep me from happiness again. That person is too busy to see that…too busy to know that someone is taking a chance with them…risking their heart hoping that they’ll take care of it. I want that person to know me; know what I want; what I have to offer to a man/relationship. I want to be able to share with someone without sacrificing myself. I feel that I don’t have to do that with him, but he’s too busy to see that.
I’m going to enjoy this wonderful inspiration I got tonight from one of my boys!

(written on 1/24/10)

November 29, 2006

I’d written this before, but decided to rip it up thinking I didn’t need it anymore. Well, today reminded me that I did need it. We had a lunch & learn at my job today (January 26, 2010) on domestic violence. I was aware of the topic ahead of time, but thought “I’ll be fine.” So…come to find out I wasn’t. I found myself holding back tears. Every word and/or section was everything that happened from us dating and throughout the marriage. This happened 3 yrs ago (the last beating) and the flashbacks were so fresh as though they happened yesterday. My heart began to race and I found myself unable to continue looking at the screen. At the end, it was time for questions and comments. I made two comments on resources, safe place, DV (domestic violence) association and DV awareness month/purple ribbon. That was all I could muster without losing it completely in front of my co-workers. During, I was sitting next to a co-worker that I’ve built what is turning into a friendship (Pam), and I said to her how I was feeling. When it got too bad, I poked the crap out of her leg, lol. Good thing she didn’t mind. When we finished, I went into her office, cried for a quick minute, then saw my one o’clock client. I made it through the day without crying again at work but the flashbacks remained. I just wanted to break down and scream. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I keep it in my head thank God. I did however, let it slip to another co-worker about my uneasy feeling during the lunch & learn and why I felt that way.

I had flashbacks the whole way home, fighting the tears throughout the entire ride. I found myself continuing to hold in the tears when I got home. I let a few slip out but immediately gathered myself. I kept saying, “How dare this still affect me after 3 yrs?” I felt defeated…this person still has a hold on me. Will this ever get easier? Will the flashbacks ever stop? In my heart, I hope the flashbacks subside…get easier to deal with…get to the place where they don’t make me have acute panic attacks. How do I explain this? Will I ever be to the place of talking openly with those I know and am very close to without having a complete meltdown? I’ve not shared this with family at all. I don’t know that I ever will unless I begin speaking on a circuit and they come for support. I don’t think it’s something that they’d be able to handle. I can barely handle it…well the flashbacks anyway.
Soooo here goes…

I decided to sleep in that morning and go to my internship a little late. He was texting me saying he missed me and he loved me. I ended up telling him I didn’t miss him and I wasn’t coming back. I got a knock on my door. I went to answer and he said it was him and he needed to get something of the computer for his final. I opened the door and turned to walk to the bedroom to get some pants to put and he tackled me onto the bed. He started yelling things at me. Most things he said to me that day I can’t really remember. He threw me on the bed several times. I fought back for a while. He threw me and I hit my head on the bed rail. He grabbed me by my shirt and threw me on the floor. I hit my head again. He said something but I don’t remember what it was. He went to the kitchen and came back with a knife. I laid there saying to myself, “He is about to kill me,” I couldn’t move and I guess a part of me wouldn’t move out of fear. He put the knife to his throat and was going to kill himself in front of me. Though I couldn’t move I cried. He said, “you think I’m gonna kill you?” I can’t remember if I nodded or not, but he said, “I wouldn’t do that.”

I don’t remember what he did with the knife, but he started back on me. He kept yelling stuff at me. I have no clue what he was saying. The weekend prior, Crystal, Jothanie, I went out because I felt that I was finally free from him. Jothanie brought over a bottle of vodka and he found it in the kitchen. I don’t remember when he found it. He yelled at my “you out drinking while I’m laying in my mama lap crying!” He was tackling me the whole time he was beating me. Some things I don’t exactly remember what order they came. I guess I blacked out several times. I remember him throwing me on the bed and floor a lot. I tasted blood one of these times. I don’t know how it happened, but I had gash in my lip. Blood was all over my shirt. Sadly, he was remorseful. Said he was sorry and went to get something to clean up my lip with. I said “that burns” and he threw me again. He said something but I don’t remember what it was. Think it was something about trying to help me and it wasn’t good enough or something. He was snatching me up my shirt. My body was just limp. One of the times I was lying on the floor, I told him “I hope you kill me.” I said several times. I was tired of fighting back. I just couldn’t take anymore. Eventually it stopped.

I realized I was having trouble walking. Thought maybe my ankle was sprained or something. He decided to put clothes on me and take me to the doctor. I had cuts on my neck and chest. I could barely close my mouth and I was limping. There were a couple guys standing outside and I wanted so badly to scream out “he just beat me!” but I was so terrified I couldn’t say anything. He helped me in the truck and drove me to the doctor. I said “there’s a doctor office down the street.” He questioned why I knew…told him I’d passed it before. He pulled into the parking lot and told me “when you go in there, they’re gonna ask you who did this. Tell them it was me, ok.” I couldn’t even get out because I thought he would keep beating me in the parking lot. I started crying and stayed in the truck. He said “Are you scared?” I’m sure I nodded or gave something that let him know I was scared. My neck was hurting so bad and it was hard to turn my head. He took me to Wal-mart and got me a neck heating pad thing. He took me back to my apartment and was taking care of me as if someone else did this. I was late for work and said I needed to get ready for work. I got in the shower and my body hurt and burned. That’s when I noticed cuts on my chest and neck. I got dressed and he said something about me leaving and grabbed my shirt, I told him “this is why.”

Finally I left the house and told him I would call my supervisor and tell I was late because I was sick. He followed me half way to work. I called my supervisor like I said I would, I told her my husband had beaten me. He called, and I told him that I said I was sick and it was ok. She told me to come on in and we’d take care of it and park in the back. I tried to sneak in where no one would see how messed up I was. My friend Crystal saw me and started to cry, which made me cry. I was in so much pain. I got back to my office where my other co-worker was. She started crying too. My supervisor allowed my friend Crystal to take me to the ER. I was so scared and so hurt. I got there and they called the police. The nurse checked me and I had a huge knot on my ankle, his fingerprints were on me in bruises on my arms and my back. There were cuts all over. My head was hurting so bad from hitting it so many times. I thought I had cuts or knots in it. No cuts, felt like there were a couple though. I stayed with Crystal and her husband for about five days. I was terrified to get a protection order…terrified to leave the house. I only left once to get some clothes. I just didn’t know what to do. He was texting and I asked him to stop. His mother texted me saying we should talk without other people being involved. I told her that he almost killed and I was getting a divorce. She told me “you owe him.” I remember thinking “how in the hell does a woman tell a battered woman that she owes the one who beat her.” Divorce papers were signed…threatened to have him arrested if he didn’t sign…was at the salon and ended up shaving my hair…cried because I thought he wouldn’t sign. Finally went through…celebrated with my big sister (Tamika) and ironically an ex-boyfriend. Time goes by and I noticed that I was checking parking lots and around my apartment building. Eventually decided not going out would remedy the checking. So I didn’t go anywhere unless absolutely necessary. Finally told my therapist and he had me do this exercise (the one I’m doing now) that they do at the VA to help with PTSD. So…I had an acute version. It helped. It got easier to leave. Eventually got a protection order, and changed my phone number.
Now here we are…