Endings and Beginnings

For some reason, I was in denial that my relationship, that I invested in completely, is over. I am devastated and don’t exactly know how to deal with the pain I feel. I keep crying and crying and thinking, “If I keep crying, eventually it’ll go away.” It doesn’t go away. The more you suppress the more painful it is when it resurfaces. It will resurface with an unbelievable force that all you can do is deal with it. I am at that place. I denied anything had ever happened, and now, today, at this moment, I am paying the price. I’m trying to accept that my relationship is over. This ended two months ago, and I just realized…it’s over. I would really have appreciated some type of memo, “HEY!! YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!” It ended so horribly which further pushes me into denial. I planned my life with this person. This person was my best friend; person who I shared so many interests with. The person who could say “shut up” before anything ever came out of my mouth because he was thinking the same thing. How could my best friend go to being to this person bringing out things in me that I never knew existed, making me question my self-worth. So you may ask, “Why be completely lost in pain if this person brought out the worse in you?” This is easy. When it wasn’t always that way, you overlook the current because you’re trying to figure out what happened and how to fix it. I’m now at the “oh shit, we broke up.” In actuality we “broke up” a long time ago. Still lived together, life was still pretty normal, continued looking into buying our baby Duke (a silver Labrador retriever). Things seemed ok. Then it happened…I lost my mind. It was almost like I wasn’t there and it was someone else. When it was over, I came back and cried hysterically. Had no idea what happened. It wasn’t a dissociative fugue…no out of body experience. I completely left, and returned at the end when I’d destroyed property and all sense of self. What happened? Where did that rage come from?It’s for the best…in the end.

The man who was my first everything; my first love and the man with whom I shared my “first” with (by shared I mean it was his first time also), contacted me. I was so surprised and at the same time reminded of how devastating it was how/that we ended and even more when he married someone else. What was meant for me, he was sharing with someone else; the three boys he has that he was to have with me and not with someone he’s with because it was what others wanted. Funny how one thing can bring such happiness and in the same breath remind you of the pain you felt. It made me feel so good to hear his name much less hear his voice. The first thing he said was, “I’ve been looking for five years.” I’d given up on ever hearing from him. We talked off and on the first day of communication. I was soooo excited! We caught up everything we’ve been doing during the time that we had no communication. He told me how proud of me he was and how he’d always known I would do great things. I lingered on his every word. The sound of his voice was so comforting. We discussed everything; family, doing what everyone else wanted us to do/be. When he texted that I was the one he should be married to…that he’s always loved me and wants to be in my life again. I still love this man. He is and will always be my first love…the one you’d never hesitate to be with if given the chance. So…here I am again with a reunion, this time with my first everything. Realistically, we know that's not gonna happen...I guess. I am bit nostalgic, lol. You'll always love your first love...right?

Had an epiphany at work today (10 November 2009). I’ve been trying to prove to myself that I can have a functional relationship outside of my failed marriage. I’d been working to show, what happened was not my fault. I’m beginning to let go of the “needing to prove,” and enjoy the joy I have in this moment...in no way does the description describe any action to be taken. Simply thoughts...feelings are however genuine

THIS BITES!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!