What do you do?

I have to write when it hits me otherwise I forget and whatever I say is some watered down version of what I REALLY wanted to write.

Some things are never meant to be understood. We have to accept them, and keep it moving. It took me a very long time to accept that I will never understand why my ex-husband beat me (yes, I was married and beaten the entire time & there is no way to make anyone else understand what happened & how I dealt with it). I’m still trying to accept the fact that I won’t understand some things as we speak. Currently I’m having a tough time of it. I have this insatiable thirst to understand…just letting it go w/o understanding is by far the most difficult thing for me to do.

I know I am not perfect. There are some things I can improve upon and I’m working to do so. For those who are in relationships, it’s not the best idea to constantly point out your mates’ flaws. At some point they will get tired of it. They will withdraw from you, seek affection & support from elsewhere, or leave all together. Putting your mate in the same category as friends will also cause the same effect. Why even be in a relationship if that person is the same as a friend? Just sleep with one of them! Don’t go through the motions in a relationship. Why should the person you’re with feel like nothing more than a friend with benefits? Make that person feel special. Show them how much you love all of who they are, flaws included. It would not feel so great if the shoe was on the other foot and you were made to feel that nothing you did was ever good enough.

So…do I accept the fact that I’m in the same box as a friend and adjust my behavior accordingly? How can I ever believe feelings are true…that you really want more than what we have when I’m continually criticized and put in a box with friends and everybody else? Those who know me, know that I have my own unrealistic standards that I hold myself to, I really don’t need anyone else to set unrealistic standards that are higher than my own!!! I’ll go insane trying to live up to that!!!!!! Instead of criticizing others, we should look at ourselves. We may then realize that the person we should’ve been criticizing was us all along. I have already become withdrawn. Why do we always try to save something that maybe isn’t meant to be saved in the first place? That’s a huge problem for me…the Super Hero Complex, lol. Maybe things have to die. Why does it have to come that? Is that the only way to have an epiphany, once we’ve already fucked it up? This is something I don’t understand. Someone has one foot out the door before the other person has any realization of what’s going on. What do you do?

Keep fighting? Walk away? What does it say when at times, we’re so ready to walk away from things? Does that make you a quitter? You’ve tried and tried, had talk after talk and still no change. What do you do then? How much do you take and for how long? When do you leave?
I just want to feel loved…like I’m actually important in your life, because you are in mine. Why are the simple things so difficult? What’s hard about showing affection w/o being asked? Do you despise the person you’re with? Are they disgusting to you? Why is talking to that person so difficult?

Today I feel like, this shouldn’t be so hard. Talking to the person you think you want to spend your life with should not be hard. Making love to them and showing affection should not have to go through the House & Senate before it happens. It just shouldn’t be this hard. Please people stop telling the person you’re in a relationship with that you want more when you can’t even communicate or express any emotion until that person has had enough. Then it’s the same story. I’m sorry, I’ll do better about that, I was mad at you still about something you did 8months ago. Why do we do this and what do we do about it when it happens to us?
I really need someone to help me understand this. I am honestly coming to you all for clarity. I CAN’T TAKE THE UPS & DOWNS! I can’t cry anymore.