Philosophical Intuition...

Return

2011-02-05T22:09:00.001-06:00

Been a while...lost my inspiration for a moment, but I'm back if anyone still follows. If not, I'm gonna close this blog.

Trust

2010-04-16T21:26:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been spendng a lot of time with people who have only been in my life for 2 mos. & they're already family. I met his parents...the interaction was very natural. It was a great road trip...the 3 of us. I've found myself in a place I never knew I could be..a place that I've only fantasized about. Some have been very supportive of my happiness no matter what their opinion of the..let's call it "swiftness" of our relationship & others have been, well, not supportive, lol. Having this, I guess I never knew what happiness truly was..what love truly was. It's like, every moment I thought was love or happiness, was an impostor.

I've had a rough month & with the support I have received has made it bearable. I have had my days where I was a total wreck. The laughter of a 3 year old, the way he says my name (which is nowhere near what it actually is, lol), the way he has started to want to get affection from me, makes it better.

I've learned how to trust. I've learned that someone other than my friends and family believes in me. Sometimes more than I believe in myself. I've learned that the love I give is finally given back to me. I've learned that happiness does exist. I'm thankful for what I've been given by HIM & I'm looking forward to our future.

UGH!!!!

2010-03-18T19:18:00.004-05:00

I lost my job on Tues...today...I LOST MY DAMN WALLET!!!! Yes, you read correctly. On top of losing my job, that I loved (though I wkd in hell & for the devil, but it was my dream job, so I made the sacrifice), I lose my wallet. My driver's license, debit card, starbucks card (that's important), insurance cards (car & health) all gone bye-bye.

This is great right? All sorts of crappy crap keeps happening. I am trying to remain atop the spiral downward and keep pessimism at my heals, but it's getting harder and harder by the day. This started on Thurs, 3/11/10. A week later, the demise continues. I'm blessed to have supportive people (especially Odea) in my life that make this road easier to travel though it is still rocky. I'm looking forward to being on a freshly paved road...well just a paved one. Rocky roads are bad for your tires, lol.

Since we're talking about roads, let's continue. If I had to compare, I'd go here. Currently I have hit a construction zone on the road I am to be on to reach my destination. Funny, this road thing. You start out on a road that is not in the best condition in the first place or one that could use a little touching up. Then someone decides to repave this road, with or without your permission. Eventually you end up on a freshly paved road that is great for your tires.

You all know how random & ADD I tend to be. Just go with it, lol. Feeling much better now.

Force

2010-03-01T20:51:00.005-06:00

Sometimes we think we have found that thing we're looking for, but actually we have forced it to be that. When the thing we want actually comes it's not forced. It's not a facade. It is as it appears to be...exactly what you want. I've come to find that what we want we don't have to look for, it finds us. I've come to realize that I've been trying to find what I want in everything that has a smudge of what I'm looking for though it is exactly opposite. I haven't forced something and there it was...everything I want. It found me; I did not look for it. Happiness is not something you look for, it finds you. I say this b/c it definitely found me. In no way was I looking for it.

I can't say enough that it finds you.

Revision

2010-02-13T15:57:00.001-06:00

I’m almost certain I’ve written on this before, but repetition is good for the soul, lol.
This quote is something I think about when I feel I’ve made a mistake. “It’s never too late-in fiction or in life-to revise.”

Lately I’ve been making all kinds of decisions that may or may not have been the best decisions. I have a difficulty holding back, which almost always gets me into trouble or hurt. Don’t feel that holding back makes things that much more wonderful. To me, it means you’ve missed something because you’re holding back. I want to experience everything including the pain. Gotta learn from something I guess, lol.

This quote reminds me that you don’t have to just stay. It’s never too late to change things no matter how far along something is. Revise. We do this daily without thinking. When you get up in the morning you revise what you’re wearing…we revise our career path…RELATIONSHIPS!!
I’ve had to contemplate a revision…well a couple actually. It’s one paragraph with a crap load of red marks, lmao. Side note: always good to laugh at yourself. We revise in love & friendship especially. Sometimes things fall apart and there’s no need to force anything to be as it was or how you wished it could’ve been. Things really do happen for a reason. Some things are shown to us at the exact moment we need to see them. That’s a hard pill to swallow. I’m actually choking on that damn thing. Anywho, I did something recently and it is affecting me in a way I didn’t expect. I decided one; to terminate a toxic friendship…revised…a so-called friendship. Two, I tried to see or force something that wasn’t really there. In turn, I revised and was shown something very beautiful.

Beautiful Surprise

2010-02-13T15:54:00.001-06:00

For some reason this person continues to be an inspiration…a muse I’d say. I was listening to Voyage to India while relaxing in a hot bath (though that part wasn’t necessary, just thought I’d possibly inspire/encourage someone to take one, lol) and thought about someone when I heard this song…Beautiful Surprise: “Yesterday I didn’t even know your name. Now today, you’re always on my mind…” He’s always on my mind and I hate it with a passion. I look forward to his calls and messages from him. Each time I get one, I open it hoping it’s from him. How pathetic is that?!

This person inspires me and I have no clue why. I’m drawn to this person…very strongly drawn. When I try to pull away I can’t. There’s this unexplainable magnetism that keeps pulling me back…kind of like a bungee cord, lol. I met this person, ironically through his best friend…who I was “dating” (later I found out we were in fact not dating). Initially my contact with this person was simply, “you guys have to get along…this is my best friend.” It came to be, the best friend ended up becoming a “boy” to me…knowing me better than I expected in such a brief period (this can be further learned about in “One of the Boys”).This person knows me intimately. This person is the one I try so hard to ignore…to deny the obvious connection. I’ve failed currently, but I’m willing to keep trying. I like denial. It’s a warm and fuzzy place.

The thing most ab0ut this person that pisses me off is that we possess the same gift. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell? It is in different forms, but the same gift nonetheless. Guess what else? This damn person writes poetry!! I feel so strongly the connection, for lack of a better word, that it scares the hell out of me. I want this to go away immediately. I know it won’t…I never expected this to happen. It came from out of nowhere…a SURPRISE. I have deep feelings for this BEAUTIFUL person. Feelings that I’d REALLY like to go away immediately. I spoke with someone about this person. I told her that I didn’t want to be the girl who comes between best friends…don’t want to sleep with best friends. She said to me “don’t overlook him because of that. Do you think guys care when they sleep with friends?” I emphasized there is no way I’d be anything but friends with this person. Regardless to the feelings I may or may not have, I will continue to overlook this person. We had a back and forth about this situation. She kept asking if I liked him. I told her a couple things about him that resounded with me. She then asked me if I was gonna stay in denial and emphatically said yes! The truth is, I care for this person and want to share all of me with him. I want to experience everything with this person. What we share is so beautiful and so unplanned. Nothing’s better than that. A Surprisingly Beautiful connection with someone who understands you and accepts you though you are unbelievably disturbed lol.
Before, I forced myself to deny a connection I had with someone by covering it up with false feelings for someone that I knew were temporary and pretty forced in my attempt to let go of fear that I held in my heart. Sadly the anger I felt was somewhat intensified by this person. In reality, after a few conversations with MY BOY, I’d actually given to him something I don’t give. I was able to let go of the fear I held in my heart and actually trust. Sadly, lol, I developed a fear…not a bad one I’d say, of letting this person know the truth. Letting him know that he has my heart and I’m not afraid of him destroying it. I can’t say this and I have to overlook this person and date other people and further deny the feelings I have for this person. Things that I’ve said I wanted or felt I wanted in a life mate, I’m starting to see some of those things in that person. Of course, I’m denying that shit too, lol!!

This person and I went out recently (2/8/10) and due to not really eating before I drank, all I remember is getting a paper that had an article about his job with a picture of him. That’s it. I asked the next day what happened and did I do something stupid. He said always and I haven’t heard anything else. When I woke up the day after my jewelry box was knocked over and I’d slept in my clothes. I’m so embarrassed that I don’t know what the hell happened and he’s not talking to me. I’m scared I threw up or told him I love him, called him someone’s name or something even more stupid. I remember us talking about him trying “this celibacy thing” while we were at the bar. Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!! I told my best friend and he told me to stop drinking and I said ok. He jokingly said “before you end up on Girls Gone Wild.” I don’t want him to think negatively of me or be turned off b/c I’m the drunken chick that guys don’t like. I’m also worried that he won’t/doesn’t respect me anymore. This is driving me crazy and I’m trying so hard to stop texting and calling him but I can’t. I have to delete his number. That helped before. Soooo now what? SHIT!!!!!!!!

Soooo I came to find out here recently (around 2/10/10 or so) that deleting the number no longer works. For some stupid reason my subconscious has memorized it!!! What the deuce (in my best Stewie Griffin)!!? I want this to go away immediately…for this person to go away. Why did this happen at this time? I’m not up for dealing with it right now…maybe not anytime. I don’t know; just want him and the feelings to vanish.

Honestly, I feel for this person. I want to know this person better…share with him…be the one he comes to for encouragement & support…I want to love him in every way…I want us to grow together. I want him to be there for me…know me better…love & care for me…support me…protect me. I want him to hold me in his arms, kiss me gently and tell me how much he adores me. I want us to appreciate each other and accept each other for who we are.
Ok…back to denial, lol!

One of the Boys

2010-02-13T15:48:00.001-06:00

Sometimes we meet someone and we’re immediately inspired or it sneaks up on us. Today that happened to me; it snuck up on me. Though the meeting wasn’t immediate; he’s the best friend of a person that I am head over heels for. Today we had a moment where we got to know each other a little better. (Sadly, he knows me better than his bff does and he’s the one I’m all bent out of shape about). That person shared something with me and I was inspired. Felt that there was someone I’ve only known sh0rtly, got me! I’m excited about that. I feel that this person and I can be very good friends. My closest friends get me…this person, in two weeks, has become one of those friends. I’m always happy to have someone in my life that I connect with spiritually; no matter there role in my life. I enjoy having people who inspire me, who connect with me, who accept me as I am…well I think they do. Only close friends do this.

The person I want to be with is too busy to get to know me…too busy to understand that giving my heart isn’t something I just give away freely; something that I don’t do because of fear. I decided to not let fear control me; not keep me from happiness again. That person is too busy to see that…too busy to know that someone is taking a chance with them…risking their heart hoping that they’ll take care of it. I want that person to know me; know what I want; what I have to offer to a man/relationship. I want to be able to share with someone without sacrificing myself. I feel that I don’t have to do that with him, but he’s too busy to see that.
I’m going to enjoy this wonderful inspiration I got tonight from one of my boys!

(written on 1/24/10)

What the Hell Was Wrong with Me?

2010-02-13T15:44:00.000-06:00

I’ve recently lost my damn mind! I realized my irrational behavior that carried on until today (1/25/10). I decided to stop my stupid, crazy chick behavior. This has happened before when I lost control of my actions. My mind decided to do whatever it wanted which in turn caused me to act irrationally. Usually I have some control over my irrational thoughts…the crazy chick is kept under wraps. Lately she has just said “Fuck you, I’m doing what the hell I want to do.” Though I wanted so badly to control it, I just couldn’t do it. She took control of the wheel and I was a helpless passenger. I just can’t believe I behaved so badly. I’m disappointed in myself and am regretful for my ridiculous behavior.

The part I regret is that in the process of my irrational behavior, I lose someone I care about in the process. At the moment that hasn’t happened…at least I don’t think. Losing people I care about is that last thing I want. There are so few who ACTUALLY care, that losing one is devastating. I love hard and give all of me, not only in romantic relationships but in my friendships as well.

Another thing is that there are reasons that I can’t always share that explain some of irrational behavior and how it makes it difficult at times to control. I can’t share this thing because it can cause me to lose those I care for or having them react in an unsupportive way…which in turn causes me to lose them. I want to share, but I have to pick and chose who I tell.

Thinking Too Much

2010-02-13T15:42:00.001-06:00

Just sent a friend a text message saying: “I hate it when people say ‘you think too much’ the problem happens when people don’t think enough.”
They replied: “yep”

I then said that only stupid people say things like that because they are incapable of thinking.
It’s funny when people say that, but are intrigued by my thoughts, lol. Strange…no one ever said to those who wrote ground-breaking legislature (Plessy v. Ferguson, Brown v. Board of Ed. Topeka, Ka, Roe v. Wade, women’s right to vote, etc) “you think too much.”
Why do we do this? We should encourage thought, no matter the situation. If we don’t think things through, we end in places we don’t want to be in or never would’ve been in had we THOUGHT.

November 29, 2006

2010-02-13T15:36:00.002-06:00

I’d written this before, but decided to rip it up thinking I didn’t need it anymore. Well, today reminded me that I did need it. We had a lunch & learn at my job today (January 26, 2010) on domestic violence. I was aware of the topic ahead of time, but thought “I’ll be fine.” So…come to find out I wasn’t. I found myself holding back tears. Every word and/or section was everything that happened from us dating and throughout the marriage. This happened 3 yrs ago (the last beating) and the flashbacks were so fresh as though they happened yesterday. My heart began to race and I found myself unable to continue looking at the screen. At the end, it was time for questions and comments. I made two comments on resources, safe place, DV (domestic violence) association and DV awareness month/purple ribbon. That was all I could muster without losing it completely in front of my co-workers. During, I was sitting next to a co-worker that I’ve built what is turning into a friendship (Pam), and I said to her how I was feeling. When it got too bad, I poked the crap out of her leg, lol. Good thing she didn’t mind. When we finished, I went into her office, cried for a quick minute, then saw my one o’clock client. I made it through the day without crying again at work but the flashbacks remained. I just wanted to break down and scream. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I keep it in my head thank God. I did however, let it slip to another co-worker about my uneasy feeling during the lunch & learn and why I felt that way.

I had flashbacks the whole way home, fighting the tears throughout the entire ride. I found myself continuing to hold in the tears when I got home. I let a few slip out but immediately gathered myself. I kept saying, “How dare this still affect me after 3 yrs?” I felt defeated…this person still has a hold on me. Will this ever get easier? Will the flashbacks ever stop? In my heart, I hope the flashbacks subside…get easier to deal with…get to the place where they don’t make me have acute panic attacks. How do I explain this? Will I ever be to the place of talking openly with those I know and am very close to without having a complete meltdown? I’ve not shared this with family at all. I don’t know that I ever will unless I begin speaking on a circuit and they come for support. I don’t think it’s something that they’d be able to handle. I can barely handle it…well the flashbacks anyway.
Soooo here goes…

I decided to sleep in that morning and go to my internship a little late. He was texting me saying he missed me and he loved me. I ended up telling him I didn’t miss him and I wasn’t coming back. I got a knock on my door. I went to answer and he said it was him and he needed to get something of the computer for his final. I opened the door and turned to walk to the bedroom to get some pants to put and he tackled me onto the bed. He started yelling things at me. Most things he said to me that day I can’t really remember. He threw me on the bed several times. I fought back for a while. He threw me and I hit my head on the bed rail. He grabbed me by my shirt and threw me on the floor. I hit my head again. He said something but I don’t remember what it was. He went to the kitchen and came back with a knife. I laid there saying to myself, “He is about to kill me,” I couldn’t move and I guess a part of me wouldn’t move out of fear. He put the knife to his throat and was going to kill himself in front of me. Though I couldn’t move I cried. He said, “you think I’m gonna kill you?” I can’t remember if I nodded or not, but he said, “I wouldn’t do that.”

I don’t remember what he did with the knife, but he started back on me. He kept yelling stuff at me. I have no clue what he was saying. The weekend prior, Crystal, Jothanie, I went out because I felt that I was finally free from him. Jothanie brought over a bottle of vodka and he found it in the kitchen. I don’t remember when he found it. He yelled at my “you out drinking while I’m laying in my mama lap crying!” He was tackling me the whole time he was beating me. Some things I don’t exactly remember what order they came. I guess I blacked out several times. I remember him throwing me on the bed and floor a lot. I tasted blood one of these times. I don’t know how it happened, but I had gash in my lip. Blood was all over my shirt. Sadly, he was remorseful. Said he was sorry and went to get something to clean up my lip with. I said “that burns” and he threw me again. He said something but I don’t remember what it was. Think it was something about trying to help me and it wasn’t good enough or something. He was snatching me up my shirt. My body was just limp. One of the times I was lying on the floor, I told him “I hope you kill me.” I said several times. I was tired of fighting back. I just couldn’t take anymore. Eventually it stopped.

I realized I was having trouble walking. Thought maybe my ankle was sprained or something. He decided to put clothes on me and take me to the doctor. I had cuts on my neck and chest. I could barely close my mouth and I was limping. There were a couple guys standing outside and I wanted so badly to scream out “he just beat me!” but I was so terrified I couldn’t say anything. He helped me in the truck and drove me to the doctor. I said “there’s a doctor office down the street.” He questioned why I knew…told him I’d passed it before. He pulled into the parking lot and told me “when you go in there, they’re gonna ask you who did this. Tell them it was me, ok.” I couldn’t even get out because I thought he would keep beating me in the parking lot. I started crying and stayed in the truck. He said “Are you scared?” I’m sure I nodded or gave something that let him know I was scared. My neck was hurting so bad and it was hard to turn my head. He took me to Wal-mart and got me a neck heating pad thing. He took me back to my apartment and was taking care of me as if someone else did this. I was late for work and said I needed to get ready for work. I got in the shower and my body hurt and burned. That’s when I noticed cuts on my chest and neck. I got dressed and he said something about me leaving and grabbed my shirt, I told him “this is why.”

Finally I left the house and told him I would call my supervisor and tell I was late because I was sick. He followed me half way to work. I called my supervisor like I said I would, I told her my husband had beaten me. He called, and I told him that I said I was sick and it was ok. She told me to come on in and we’d take care of it and park in the back. I tried to sneak in where no one would see how messed up I was. My friend Crystal saw me and started to cry, which made me cry. I was in so much pain. I got back to my office where my other co-worker was. She started crying too. My supervisor allowed my friend Crystal to take me to the ER. I was so scared and so hurt. I got there and they called the police. The nurse checked me and I had a huge knot on my ankle, his fingerprints were on me in bruises on my arms and my back. There were cuts all over. My head was hurting so bad from hitting it so many times. I thought I had cuts or knots in it. No cuts, felt like there were a couple though. I stayed with Crystal and her husband for about five days. I was terrified to get a protection order…terrified to leave the house. I only left once to get some clothes. I just didn’t know what to do. He was texting and I asked him to stop. His mother texted me saying we should talk without other people being involved. I told her that he almost killed and I was getting a divorce. She told me “you owe him.” I remember thinking “how in the hell does a woman tell a battered woman that she owes the one who beat her.” Divorce papers were signed…threatened to have him arrested if he didn’t sign…was at the salon and ended up shaving my hair…cried because I thought he wouldn’t sign. Finally went through…celebrated with my big sister (Tamika) and ironically an ex-boyfriend. Time goes by and I noticed that I was checking parking lots and around my apartment building. Eventually decided not going out would remedy the checking. So I didn’t go anywhere unless absolutely necessary. Finally told my therapist and he had me do this exercise (the one I’m doing now) that they do at the VA to help with PTSD. So…I had an acute version. It helped. It got easier to leave. Eventually got a protection order, and changed my phone number.
Now here we are…

On the Geneology of Morals

2009-11-29T23:45:00.003-06:00

I started my book today. The way I know I'll be swept, outside of prior knowledge, is in the introduction/preface. Friedrich Nietzsche continues to suck me in to his philosophy.

1. He thinks independently which what I consider myself to do (which generally results in trouble b/c you're not going with the norm).
2. If you weren't an independent thinker, he'd inspire you to become one...not to just go with it

"This book is to the specific sphere of moral values what Nietzsche's philosophy is in general: a systematic overthrowing of idols, a reevalution of all values," or as Nietzsche himself preferred to call it "philosophization with the hammer." One seeks to trace the origin of "good" and "evil" into the physiological distinction between "strong" and "weak" and when one talks of the crucial roles of cruelty in the birth of conscience, or of the meaning of ascetic ideals."

"What is to be learned, the author of the introduction stated, by today's reader is first of all his independence of mind, the luxury of not taking anything for granted, and the courage of being oneself. In a world increasingly dominated by laziness of mind, and academic snobbisms of all kinds. On the Geneology of Morals can teach us the rare art of thinking independently, the wisdom of saying "no" when everybody says "yes" and vice versa."

There is nothing to add to this..just take it in and enjoy.

Endings and Beginnings

2009-11-29T08:15:00.003-06:00

For some reason, I was in denial that my relationship, that I invested in completely, is over. I am devastated and don’t exactly know how to deal with the pain I feel. I keep crying and crying and thinking, “If I keep crying, eventually it’ll go away.” It doesn’t go away. The more you suppress the more painful it is when it resurfaces. It will resurface with an unbelievable force that all you can do is deal with it. I am at that place. I denied anything had ever happened, and now, today, at this moment, I am paying the price. I’m trying to accept that my relationship is over. This ended two months ago, and I just realized…it’s over. I would really have appreciated some type of memo, “HEY!! YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!” It ended so horribly which further pushes me into denial. I planned my life with this person. This person was my best friend; person who I shared so many interests with. The person who could say “shut up” before anything ever came out of my mouth because he was thinking the same thing. How could my best friend go to being to this person bringing out things in me that I never knew existed, making me question my self-worth. So you may ask, “Why be completely lost in pain if this person brought out the worse in you?” This is easy. When it wasn’t always that way, you overlook the current because you’re trying to figure out what happened and how to fix it. I’m now at the “oh shit, we broke up.” In actuality we “broke up” a long time ago. Still lived together, life was still pretty normal, continued looking into buying our baby Duke (a silver Labrador retriever). Things seemed ok. Then it happened…I lost my mind. It was almost like I wasn’t there and it was someone else. When it was over, I came back and cried hysterically. Had no idea what happened. It wasn’t a dissociative fugue…no out of body experience. I completely left, and returned at the end when I’d destroyed property and all sense of self. What happened? Where did that rage come from?It’s for the best…in the end.

The man who was my first everything; my first love and the man with whom I shared my “first” with (by shared I mean it was his first time also), contacted me. I was so surprised and at the same time reminded of how devastating it was how/that we ended and even more when he married someone else. What was meant for me, he was sharing with someone else; the three boys he has that he was to have with me and not with someone he’s with because it was what others wanted. Funny how one thing can bring such happiness and in the same breath remind you of the pain you felt. It made me feel so good to hear his name much less hear his voice. The first thing he said was, “I’ve been looking for five years.” I’d given up on ever hearing from him. We talked off and on the first day of communication. I was soooo excited! We caught up everything we’ve been doing during the time that we had no communication. He told me how proud of me he was and how he’d always known I would do great things. I lingered on his every word. The sound of his voice was so comforting. We discussed everything; family, doing what everyone else wanted us to do/be. When he texted that I was the one he should be married to…that he’s always loved me and wants to be in my life again. I still love this man. He is and will always be my first love…the one you’d never hesitate to be with if given the chance. So…here I am again with a reunion, this time with my first everything. Realistically, we know that's not gonna happen...I guess. I am bit nostalgic, lol. You'll always love your first love...right?

Had an epiphany at work today (10 November 2009). I’ve been trying to prove to myself that I can have a functional relationship outside of my failed marriage. I’d been working to show, what happened was not my fault. I’m beginning to let go of the “needing to prove,” and enjoy the joy I have in this moment...in no way does the description describe any action to be taken. Simply thoughts...feelings are however genuine

THIS BITES!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something New

2009-11-29T08:14:00.000-06:00

Meeting someone for the first time and not knowing how on earth could I feel this way? What happens when you’re meeting someone who puts a smile on your face with the sound of their voice? What do you do when someone finds you and loves you wholeheartedly from day one? What do you do when that person says, “I love everything about you,” and actually mean it. What do you do when that person genuinely wants to learn everything about you? That person reads and responds with some emotion from something important to you…your writing. Most people say these things just because they think it’s what you want to hear. They are partly true; you want to hear it, but more importantly want them to mean it. This has been a treat for me however unexpected it was.

You may ask… how do you feel this instantaneously? Should we really attempt to rationalize feelings? Why do we question every feeling we have instead of just feeling it? I mean, that’s what they’re there for…to feel.

For me, this is not so much of a surprise. I’m a Cancer and everything is emotional, lol. We are very intuitive and nurturing which allows us to feel more than everyone else (except for those babies on the cusps of Gemini/Cancer & Cancer/Leo, they’re all confused, lol). I thoroughly enjoy feeling and I’ve enjoyed this new feeling very much. I take my feelings seriously… both good and bad. Feeling the bad provides an opportunity to learn and grow; acquiring the ability to pass on the lessons you learned from that exact feeling. The good is always better. I mean, really, who cares about growing. We just want to feel good, lol.

Faces

2009-11-29T08:10:00.000-06:00

“We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves.”

I heard this at the end of a show I like very much. Mostly because it’s a crime show from a psychological standpoint…Criminal Minds. I didn’t catch the author of this wonderful quote, due to the suddenness of the statement. You don’t watch something with pen and pad in hand so that you may write down everything…well I don’t, lol. Plus, it was foreign and I’m not sure I would’ve spelled it correctly and that would kill me more than not ever knowing in the first place. Ok…enough of the explaining!

The reason I wrote this one down is because it hit home with me. I, as we all have, put on many masks. We have one for work and/or school, time with friends, time with family, and any other situation. The point is to take those off and get back to who we really are. This may sound as though you’re being fake, but the truth is, how you are at the concert featuring the best local bands, is not how you should be at work, lol. To me the place we get lost, is not knowing the difference between the masks…losing who you truly are.

Part II of this, at what point do we become unrecognizable to ourselves? We go from face to face never realizing how we affect the true person. Some may ask… how does the true person ever surface when we are constantly change faces? For me, this is a constant battle. I’m trying to show the true person and maintain masks when necessary. We live double, triple lives and we don’t even recognize it. We eventually get tired of this. Eventually we break the masks all together. At times this can be detrimental to certain situations where masks are needed. At times, if done properly, we can show our true selves and keep situations, where the masks are necessary, in tact.

Some want to rebel…RAGE AGAISNT THE MACHINE, but that is not the best way to do things, lol. It’s a gradual, subtle change. Somewhat like a sneak attack…covert ops. It’s a change that should not, in all situations, be OUT LOUD. At work…subtle…friends could be “I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!”, lol.

Fear II

2009-08-16T20:23:00.002-05:00

For some reason, this has been something that needs continuing. I am continuing to evolve. More so, I am elated to be sharing this with you all.

I've been struggling with something for quite some time now. Fear of being who I truly am out of total fear of not being accepted. YES...ME the noncomformist has a fear of acceptance. Who would've thought! Like I said previously, I'm continuing to evolve. Slowly I've begun to let out the parts of me that I've held in for long. Parts of me that I've only shown a few.

Some of you will be completely shocked and some fo you...well the few, wont' be. The sad thing is, no matter how nonjudgemental I am, it doesn't stop others who are severly narrowminded from being judgemental. In spite, I'm working on expressing myself regardless. I love who I am and if no one else does...well, um...they can #*%$ OFF!!!!!!

Thank you,
Management

Emancipation

2009-08-11T00:09:00.002-05:00

June 2006 I got married. My husband was abusive mentally and physically. By the grace of God I had the courage and strength to leave him. Unfortunately I left with mental and physical scars. I recently got more body art. It represents my life then and now. It is a reminder of how courageous I am and how present God is in my life. My art is posted in three parts. For a while I used this quote by Corita Kent that stated "Flowers grow out of darker moments." It helped me get through the rough times when I first left my husband. Then I decided to do some color research and look for flowers that grew in the dark/shade. I came upon the lotus. Beautiful flower, grows in the mud. I am now the flower that grew out of a dark moment. I grew closer to God which has made me a much better person. The colors in my art represent domestic violence awareness (purple), courage (red), emotional growth and protection (green), and tranquility (blue). My art was done by an artist named Chris at Twisted Needle Tatoo in Hsv. He kicks ass!!!! This tatoo shows where I was, the pain I endured in my marriage, and the place I am now, and where I am going. This is so meaningful to me. This is something I used to keep to myself. I feel this is as good a time as any to open up about an issue that is often swept under the rug. This is no longer taboo. Please respond let me know what you think about my body art. It means a lot to me. My divorce was final March 7, 2007. Never settle for less than what you deserve. I know I never will again.

Fear

2009-07-26T20:00:00.004-05:00

I have been completely consumed by fear. Fear of many things actually. I am unsure of how I arrived at this place of fear, or how it has managed to run my life. I've not been writing as much...been in a bit of a transition lately. Not only physical (moving) but also emotional and spiritual.

I don't know where else to go or what to do. Do I leap off of my stepping stone and fly into my own? Or...do I remain on the stepping stone when it's actually starting to feel like quicksand. I found something that was lost and now, due to fear, I am running away from it with Mercury's winged feet. I'm fearful of actually getting what I want. Being fulfilled in every way imaginable. I am silently suffering with decisions that have to be made. Ok...so it's really my need to control and not the need to actually make a decision.

I'm working hard to go with the flow and not be overly analytical. I'm working hard to not be fearful. To face the thing I fear the most, until I no longer fear it. To actually take a risk and trust in my intuition. Which is the most difficult thing I've done.

Philosophical Inspiration

2009-06-08T21:09:00.002-05:00

Here lately in my search for inspiring thoughts to send my friends to start their day, I've found my own inspiration. I've found a love that is indescribable. I hunger for more! I read often...I'm fully aware of several authors, especially when it comes to philosophy.

I've heard of Kierkegaard, but hadn't read much of anything. Just knew who he was. Tonight I decided to do a little research. Lucky for me, I've added two books to my book wishlist and several quotes to my "favorite quotes" collection, lol.

Though there are several that stood out to me, this one was profound. It tells my who reason for writing. It reads; "People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use."

Unbelivably amazing!!! We fight so hard for this freedom, yet all of our fighting is most often for speaking someone else's thoughts or thoughts that are based in some societal norm. Nothing that we decided upon freely...using our freedom of thought. It's more like freedom to paraphrase what we were taught. I try my best to encourage my friends and anyone who reads my rantings to think freely...don't base your truth on what I write, or anyone else for that matter. Though we may often agree with what is written or told to us using the wonderful freedom of speech, what we should really be fighting for is the freedom of thought...freedom to find our on interpretations and stand up for those thoughts/interpretations. I agree with Kierkegaard, but my interpretation is different from yours...and anyone else's. I talk with a collegue/friend at work about thinking independently and not believing what we're told...not making it our truth.

Search for your own truth...follow inspiration wherever it may lead you. I know that I definitely have!

My Obsessions

2009-06-07T22:03:00.004-05:00

"There are no facts, only interpretations." - Nietzsche

I have a serious obsession with thought provoking quotes. This one has to be the one that has made me think the most. The one that completely satisfies my hunger to grow.

Every "fact" is open to interpretation. My view, or "interpretation" of something may be completely different from someone else's view. Recently I sent a thought for the day to some friends and one texted back a completely different "interpretation" than mine. It read "Genorosity with strings is not genorosity. It's a deal." I agreed with this wholeheartedly. He interpreted everything being a deal...no true genorosity. Though I understood his view, I disagreed. I understood that at times with genorosity, we expect a genorous act to follow...hence the strings. He stated to me that everything comes with strings...so as I stated, I understood his interpretation.

I thought I would share this with you all. It's interesting how a few words can change your life. Change how you view every aspect of your life. Everything anyone ever told you was a fact.

Lost and Found

2009-06-06T15:59:00.007-05:00

Recently, I found what I thought was lost. I never stopped looking for it and searched one last time a couple weeks ago. Then on Monday...there it was. I'd been searching for four years...it actually just kinda, well...came home. I'm elated to have found what I lost, or thought I lost. My heart is full and couldn't ask for anything more than to it back home with me. I loved it before I lost it and now love and appreciate it even more now that it's back home. It's my favorite ;o)

It's interesting how we never fully appreciate things until we don't have them anymore. Though it is a cliche'...it's the truth. Not to say you don't appreciate what you have, but it's different once you've lost that thing and it returns to you after such a long time. I'm at loss...can't explain everything that I'm feeling right now. I've lost things before and they've never been found. But this, this is different. Now I'm questioning decisions I've made and reflecting back on things I've discovered. "It's never to lat -in fictionor in life-to make a revision." I'm trying to decide if the time to revise is now or later. I guess I should listen to what I share with others, and enjoy this moment and take whatever lesson or gift that it has to offer.

So...here's to living in the moment, because this moment is the only one that matters. A friend said this very eloquently :o) <buddy>----link

In the Beginning...

2009-06-01T18:41:00.006-05:00

My story begins on Monday, July 19, 1982 at 4:10 pm. I was the first born to Leathia Marshall and the last born to Ernest Morris. I was named Alythia Markesha-Nicole Marshall. My dad wanted my name to be similar to my mom's (little did he know it's Greek for truth, lol.) My grandma (mom's mom) insisted I have Nicole in my name or my mom couldn't come home from the hospital. So after arguing with my mom, shooting at my dad...I got my name and my grandma got her way, lol. From my mother's side of the family, I was the first grandchild. Naturally, I was spoiled rotten and my family set high standards for me. Little did they know, I'd eventually begin to set my own unrealistic standards.

My mom reminds me on a regular basis of how my, as JB calls them "quarks", have been with me as early as 8 mos. old. I didn't like my food to touch :o) I was a happy baby...someone was always holding me, lol. I rarely cried b/c at least two ppl were running to the rescue. I was kind of slow on the walking thing. Why be in a hurry to let everyone know I didn't need them to carry me around anymore? I was gonna ride that out until I was caught sneaking into something, lol. As my mom and Uncle James tells it, it was the 4th of July 1983 and my uncle was eating some ribs. Of course I wanted one (for those who know me, know I like to eat, lol) so he tells me to come and get it. So I take out running towards the food. My first steps weren't cute & wobbly...I ran without hesitation. This is how my family explains my love for track and field and how I was meant to do it (that comes later in the story). I like to think it describes me in general. If I want it, I run for it full speed.

I'll end here at age 3. I began school.

Life Stories...

2009-05-26T21:00:00.003-05:00

Things are as simple or as complicated as we make them out to be. I was recently inspired to start some new things...very simple really. Things that I've thought about doing just had not received that push yet...I got it this weekend. Thanks for the inspiration (you know who you are). It's interesting how when you least expect it, BOOM inspiration knocks you down. Be on the lookout for my story...

Unresolved

2009-05-17T16:42:00.002-05:00

How can you truly move on if you haven't dealt with unresolved feelings? Until you do, what you think is happiness and love, almost feels fake. You have this "what if" going on in the back of your mind. Those feelings have to be acknowledged. You have to try and resolve them before it leads to further hurt. No matter how much time has passed or how many relationships you've had in between, feelings are still there. You've done the whole "we'll be friends" thing. That person becomes your best friend. The one you run to when shit gets rough. The one you go to when something great has happened. You've even sat by and watched that person be in relationships with other people. Yet, you put your feelings aside and be the friend you've always been. The feelings you have are unwavering. To truly be happy, you have to work through this. There are instances where these feelings lead to true love and there are times when all that remains is the friendship. None of this happens if you don't face the unresolved feelings you have. This is always a confusing time, because generally we ignore these things and pretend to have moved on. A decision has to be made...

Rebirth

2009-05-09T18:55:00.003-05:00

Today I died. It was a very painful death. Painful because I fought it for so long instead of giving in and going peacefully. I hope that others can learn from my mistake. We have to learn when to fight and when to go with it. Part of my fight was simply out of fear. Well, what I feared happened...I died anyway. I also feared losing the best parts of me. Never realizing that those things have been evolving, and the old that I was hanging on to had been long gone. I fought to hold on to something that wasn't meant to be kept. Parts of me that hindered my evolution. Painful to admit, but it had to be done. I had to let go so that I could become a better version of myself. I had to die. So don't be sad about my death. Celebrate it. I will rise again like the Phoenix!

Thanking you

2009-04-22T23:33:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been going through some very difficult changes personally. I've lashed out on those whom I care for very deeply. I've often made irrational decisions soley based on fear, anger, and sadness. I'm working to change these things. I'm still growing. I'm working to be the best Me I can be. Thank you to those, who no matter what I do or say, stick by my side and help me through the rough times. I'm learning to have patience with myself and thanking those of you who are teaching me to do so. Those who listen to me cry and then laugh about it with me later b/c it was most likely something I catastrophized. Thank you for not walking out on me b/c that's not wasn't what I needed. Thanks for giving me space and allowing me to think through my decisions rationally. Thanks for telling me, "That's stupid."

I'm always giving of myself to others and it is a beautiful thing when others give back. So, just in case you missed it...Thank you

What do you do?

2009-04-12T19:00:00.003-05:00

I have to write when it hits me otherwise I forget and whatever I say is some watered down version of what I REALLY wanted to write.

Some things are never meant to be understood. We have to accept them, and keep it moving. It took me a very long time to accept that I will never understand why my ex-husband beat me (yes, I was married and beaten the entire time & there is no way to make anyone else understand what happened & how I dealt with it). I’m still trying to accept the fact that I won’t understand some things as we speak. Currently I’m having a tough time of it. I have this insatiable thirst to understand…just letting it go w/o understanding is by far the most difficult thing for me to do.

I know I am not perfect. There are some things I can improve upon and I’m working to do so. For those who are in relationships, it’s not the best idea to constantly point out your mates’ flaws. At some point they will get tired of it. They will withdraw from you, seek affection & support from elsewhere, or leave all together. Putting your mate in the same category as friends will also cause the same effect. Why even be in a relationship if that person is the same as a friend? Just sleep with one of them! Don’t go through the motions in a relationship. Why should the person you’re with feel like nothing more than a friend with benefits? Make that person feel special. Show them how much you love all of who they are, flaws included. It would not feel so great if the shoe was on the other foot and you were made to feel that nothing you did was ever good enough.

So…do I accept the fact that I’m in the same box as a friend and adjust my behavior accordingly? How can I ever believe feelings are true…that you really want more than what we have when I’m continually criticized and put in a box with friends and everybody else? Those who know me, know that I have my own unrealistic standards that I hold myself to, I really don’t need anyone else to set unrealistic standards that are higher than my own!!! I’ll go insane trying to live up to that!!!!!! Instead of criticizing others, we should look at ourselves. We may then realize that the person we should’ve been criticizing was us all along. I have already become withdrawn. Why do we always try to save something that maybe isn’t meant to be saved in the first place? That’s a huge problem for me…the Super Hero Complex, lol. Maybe things have to die. Why does it have to come that? Is that the only way to have an epiphany, once we’ve already fucked it up? This is something I don’t understand. Someone has one foot out the door before the other person has any realization of what’s going on. What do you do?

Keep fighting? Walk away? What does it say when at times, we’re so ready to walk away from things? Does that make you a quitter? You’ve tried and tried, had talk after talk and still no change. What do you do then? How much do you take and for how long? When do you leave?
I just want to feel loved…like I’m actually important in your life, because you are in mine. Why are the simple things so difficult? What’s hard about showing affection w/o being asked? Do you despise the person you’re with? Are they disgusting to you? Why is talking to that person so difficult?

Today I feel like, this shouldn’t be so hard. Talking to the person you think you want to spend your life with should not be hard. Making love to them and showing affection should not have to go through the House & Senate before it happens. It just shouldn’t be this hard. Please people stop telling the person you’re in a relationship with that you want more when you can’t even communicate or express any emotion until that person has had enough. Then it’s the same story. I’m sorry, I’ll do better about that, I was mad at you still about something you did 8months ago. Why do we do this and what do we do about it when it happens to us?
I really need someone to help me understand this. I am honestly coming to you all for clarity. I CAN’T TAKE THE UPS & DOWNS! I can’t cry anymore.

Are you an American, an African-American, or ???

2009-04-06T23:32:00.003-05:00

This was written by my friend Cory Fountain some years ago...

I realize that July fourth has already past this year and if you're like most ppl that I know you probably had and or went to a big bbq and set off your fireworks and basically said "yeah America" while celebrating it's independence from Great Britain. If that's what you wanted to do, that's fine, who I am to tell you that you should not have been celebrating the independence of this country, or in other words, not celebrating when the 13 colonies received their freedom the British. But le t me ask you this question; How many of our ancestors during that time were actually free? If one was to do some research and look back on that section of time in history they would find that not very many ppl of African descent were free in this country or the world as a matter of fact, during that time. If one wants to get technical, as a whole, most ppl of African descent to this day still aren't independent. The word independent, as defined by Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is: (1)self-governing; not affiliated with the larger controlling unit (2) not requiring or relying on something or someone else (3) not easily influenced; showing self-reliance and personal freedom. Now I ask whoever may be reading this, do those definitions really describe ppl of African descent? Ppl of African descent is certainly not self-governing, and we most certainly rely on someone else besides our won brothers and sisters for mostly everything that we have or do. And I won't even touch the part about being easily influenced or showing personal freedom b/c that would take me further off the point that I'm trying to make than I already am. But to move back to the point in which I was trying to formulate; Independence Day didn't us. When this country's former leaders were speaking "liberty and justice for all," they must have either been running short of breath or low on ink; for what they meant was liberty and justice for all white men with land. Our ancestors were promised freedom from both the British and the colonists if they would help fight in the American Revolution but, "…the majority of Black ppl in the United States were far worse off that the close of the Revolutionary War then they were before it began, especially with the coming of the Cotton Gin in 1793 and the evolution of king cotton and it's superior role in the industrialization of the 18th century." Afrikan People & European Holidays (Book 2). The American Revolution, in my opinion, is White history not mine or shall I say ours. If the Revolutionary War was a movie we would be some extras off somewhere in the background.....

Think of this phenomenon, most people say and or believe that the American Revolution began when Crispus Attitucks, a black man, was killed. Now think of this; when watching a movie, who is the first one to die? Correct, Black person (sorry, just had to throw a little joke in there while I had your attn). But be that as it may, Black ppl in America are not now nor have we ever been Americans or African-Americans in my opinion. Malcolm X put it best when he stated in one of his speeches, (forgive me for not having the exact quote) "If a kitten is born in an oven you don't call it a biscuit. If a French Poodle is born on the moon would it not still be considered a French Poodle?" Then if our African ancestors were snatched away from their homeland and carried here to the U.S. and upon being here conceived children; then what does that make them, or shall I say us? There is no doubt in my mind that we are American fruits but yet we have with African roots. So now I ask again; what does that make us? You may have your own conclusions but in my opinion; that makes us Africans living in America. In another one of Malcolm X's speeches he touches on this topic in question when he stated, "…deep within the subconscious of the Black man in America, he is still more African than American. He thinks he's more American b/c 'the man' is jiving him, and 'the man' is brainwashing him everyday, telling him: you're an American, you're an American, you're American. Man how could you think you're an American and you haven't ever had any American treat over here. You have never, ever! Ten men can be sitting at a table eating, you know, dining; and I come and sit down where they are dining. They are dining. I got a plate in front of me but nothing is on it. Because all of us are sitting at the same table, are all of us diners? I'm not a diner until you let me dine! Then I become a diner. Just being at the same table with others who are dining doesn't make me a diner. And that is what you've got to get in your head hear in this country. Just because you're in this country doesn't make you an American." Honestly I could care less about the independence of the U.S. what I care about is trying to acquire independence of us.

let me know what you think.....

The Enlightenment Sutra

2009-04-01T20:54:00.005-05:00

This is the first of things to remember:
Throughout all the world there is nothing that's permanent.
Even the Earth has a nature of transience.
Bodies are centers of sorrow and emptiness.
All of my parts are devoid of self,
Are dependent on causes and therefore, impermanent,
Changing, decaying and out of control.
Expectations of permanence cause disappointment,
Forming attachments that lead to wrongdoing.
Observing the world in this light, may I daily
progress toward freedom from birth and death.

My behavior recently has been that of possession and permanence. Which has lead me to obsessing over something that has proven to be impermanent. Often I turn to views of simplicity to straighten out what, at the moment, appears to be complicated. The only constant thing is change (India Arie...Acoustic Soul, I'm sure it's been said by others but this was my musical reference!). This is always true. Feelings change...either they grow stronger or lessen, but always changing. People change. It doesn't take a major life event to change...I am not the same person I was a month ago, much less years ago. What I, and maybe others, have to accept is that when I try to make something permanent that is not, it seems to result in disappointment. The goal is to let go of the need to make things permanent. I have been disappointed due to my perception of certain situations, my vision of what I want, obsession and trying to make something permanent when it clearly is not. Why do we do this? Is it a need to control what will happen? Is it to prevent complications? When trying to prevent or control something, don't we always end up losing "control" and feeling disappointed?

this is only the first of the sutra, maybe the others will come later

Break-ups

2009-03-31T22:05:00.000-05:00

Things fall apart...

Shit happens...

Today I'm heartbroken. I can't get out of my own way to enjoy happiness.

Discussion...

Something Personal

2009-03-30T23:53:00.005-05:00

This is short...

I've been content for sometime...until recently when my world was turned upside down.

I write a lot and believe wholeheartedly in what I write. I am working to be a better woman...a better version of myself. I'm working to follow what I believe in my soul. Regardless to what anyone else may think (generally not one to care about what others think unless it's about my writing and it leads to a great discussion,lol), I am on that path and decisions I make continue to help me grow.

Someone keeps telling me to stop "dumbin' it down" so...here goes. I care for you so deeply it is beyond the realm of reason. You keep pushing me to be the person I want to be...my true self and I'm fighting you with all I have though it seems to not be working. Your LIGHT shines the way to a path that I've covered with brush. I'm done fighting you and myself. I greatly appreciate what you see in me and thank you for allowing me to express freely what some may not understand. Thank you for reopening what I had locked away...who knew you had the key. I'm inspired.

Finding someone who loves and accepts you for who you are at the moment and having a vision of the person you will grow to be is rare. When you find it hang on to it with all that you have. Regardless to that being an intimate relationship or a friendship, HOLD FAST to it.

P.S. I am often the disrupter of my world. At moments it appears to be the work of others, but with careful thought, it is I.

Saturn Return

2009-03-22T20:58:00.003-05:00

The Saturn Return is an astrological phenomenon that occurs at the ages of 27-30, 58-60, and finally from 86-88, coinciding with the time it takes the planet Saturn to make one orbit around the sun. It is believed by astrologers that as Saturn "returns" to the degree in which it occupied at the time of birth -- approximately every 29.5 years...The first Saturn Return is famous because it represents the first test of character and the structures a person has built their lives upon. According to traditions, should these structures be unsound or that a person is living out of touch with his or her true values, the Saturn Return will be a time of upheaval and limitations as Saturn forces him or her to jettison old concepts and worn out patterns of living. It is not uncommon for relationships and jobs to end during this time of life restructuring and reevaluation.

Revising Worn Out Patterns
Saturn strips away illusions and points out limitations, allowing you to view yourself in a harsh, often unflattering light. At the same time, it endows you with prudence, practicality, and the perseverance to work hard toward achieving your purposes. Consequently, this is a good time to rearrange your career or lay the foundation for a new one. Saturn Return almost always requires some major adjustments in lifestyle, attitudes, and relationships. Anything you have outgrown, or have tolerated but not found satisfying, must end now or be altered to meet your emerging needs. According to Hand, "Consciously or unconsciously, you are pruning your life of everything that is not relevant to what you really are as a human being."

I've felt this fierce urgency to change for a some time now. I haven't been myself lately and have said this to those close to me. During this last semester of school I started to feel that I'd not been true to who I am...I ignored it. I read a wonderful book Who Moved My Cheese? and there it was...this insatiable thirst to change. Now, once again, I've found myself in this place of needing to change because I have not been true to who I really am. I've held back, become withdrawn...I'm a robot...just going through the motions trying not to feel so that I can continue to keep the true me at bay. WELL IT'S NOT WORKING!!!!!!!

My true self is overpowering all efforts of containment. I've found myself working toward starting private practice about FOUR TO FIVE years earlier than I previously planned. I'm re-evaluating my relationships. Sometimes people like the person they believe you to be...the person they've imagined you are and not the true you. We often adapt to situations and different people, but at what cost to ourselves? Yes, at my job I allow them to believe they are teaching me something I don't know out of sheer exhaustion of trying to prove otherwise. It is possible to adapt and still remain true to yourself...right?

So here I am at this place in my life where I'm having to make changes not because things are horrible, but because I am not being true to who I really am. Things need to be altered to fit my needs. That sounds selfish, but it's really not. What purpose is it to walk through life doing things that are dissatisfying to us? There is no purpose. Remaining true to who you are & your true values brings with it many joys and fulfillment with life in general. The interesting thing about Saturn Return for me is that, my five & ten year plans are now of course. Though it's not a problem...I just have to make a revision, lol.

"Growth is often accompanied by trepidation & turmoil. As the old self is pushed aside to make room for the new, you may feel weak and vulnerable. You want to move ahead, yet are frustrated by a fear of doing so, torn between a compelling urge to throw off everything connected with your past and an equally frantic need to cling to the familiar rather than brave the great unknown."

Truth is, I'm struggling to let go of what I've already tried altering to fit my needs. I am in a constant struggle with myself...working feverishly to contain my true desires and needs...my values and what I hold dear to my soul, instead of letting go and being free. Moving ahead is frustrating and I'm slightly fearful...ok. terrified!

Thank you Stix-n-Stuff

Revision & Evolution

2009-03-19T21:37:00.000-05:00

I shared this with some friends today, and I'd like to share with you as well.

"It's never too late- in life or in fiction- to revise."

There is always an opportunity to revise. Often we get stuck in one position and feel there is no way out. THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY OUT...IT'S CALLED A REVISION! Change is inevitable. Without it we would not be in the place we're in today...however sad a condition the Earth seems to be in, but I digress...when we don't like something, or a situation does not seem to be beneficial to us...make a revision. We decide the direction we travel, whether it's a heavily trodden path or the road less traveled, it's our decision. So, if we have the power to choose our own path, why not make the choice to revise? This is simple...

For future thoughts...when making a revision, there is an attempt to change, and with that change comes adaptation and evolution. Adapting and growing to become a better version of who you are, is indeed an evolution for any of us who may be questioning the thought proceeding the latter.

Simplicity

2009-03-19T20:44:00.000-05:00

Simplicity
“We are the most materially affluent of all generations. In pursuit of the ‘good’ life, we have the possibility of more possessions, attainments and choices than ever before. We are also a generation of great despair, alienation, and unhappiness. We tend to be hoarders, amassing, accumulating, and gathering endless stockpiles of ‘stuff,’ inwardly and outwardly, which itself becomes a source of anxiety and tension. The clutter we accumulate, the endless possessions that no longer serve us, the distractions that fill our days, the incomplete conversations and relationships, the long list of things we “meant” to do, take over our lives our homes, and our hearts.”
“Clearly the meaning of our lives cannot be defined by our accumulation of things & achievements. The meaning of our lives is defined by the quality of our presence in this world and in each moment.”
The Buddhist Path to Simplicity

This is just a thought…why do we base the importance of our lives on the possessions and achievements we’ve acquired? We’ve been conditioned by society that the quality of our lives, our legacy is by what we have materially and in accolades. The true quality is how we’ve lived that life. Were we at peace with ourselves? Were our lives full of happiness and peaceful moments? Or was that life filled with stress and tension by trying to obtain possessions that society has told us we should have. I too am guilty of hoarding things…both inwardly and outwardly. Also of trying attain things that I’ve been conditioned to have. I’ve slowly started to let go of these things…these societal ideas in order to free myself; Freedom from the seemingly never-ending race to obtain possessions instead of seeking internal peace and happiness. No, this does not mean I’m going to relinquish my possessions, just be more conscious of how I base the quality of my life. I’ve been blessed to have wonderful things in my life. I’m grateful. I am becoming more aware of my inner struggle for peace and serenity. Trying to let go of the stress and tension and finding the source of these things is a step in the direction of simplicity.